Archive for the 'WORD?' Category

Really?… Always?

Published August 29, 2008 in I couldn't make this stuff up, WORD?, jus' venting and tell us how you really feel. 1 Comment

So me and a friend were on the Metro the other day and there was an advertisement in our car for a company called eurAuPair that had a picture of a kid and a young girl on it… And she was kinda staring at it for a while. So I asked her what was wrong and she said, “What does AuPair mean again?” So I told her it’s like a nanny but from another country usually. And she said, “Oh yeah. That’s right. I always get that confused with au gratin.”

Word?

Just admit you had no idea what the word meant before this moment. Cause I mean really, what could you possibly be doing or where could you possibly go that you’re “always” confronted with these two words? Plus I just can’t see a situation in which you could ever confuse the two. Have you ever heard of context clues?…

“Please Mr. Waiter, I’d like to have the steak medium-well, and the potatoes with the young European caregiver sprinkled on top.”

or maybe…

“Sure we’re free to go out with you guys tonite. The melted cheese and breadcrumbs are at home watching the kids.”

AAAAHHHH!!! I can’t stand when people can’t admit that they don’t know things. Who knows everything? I mean, besides Oprah ;) I have much more respect for people who ask questions and ask for help than people who prefer to pretend to know things and marinate in their ignorance. I told her I’d be writing this blog and said all this to her while we were on the train so I don’t feel bad about it. I apologize for the early morning Friday rant, but I had to get that out.

Communism is so gangsta

Published August 26, 2008 in WORD? and awesome stuff. 0 Comments

You gotta love Fidel Castro.

And by ‘gotta love’ I mean absolutely, positively MUST adore. Forget his oppressive communist government, dude has his countrymen’s backs. Yeah its 5:21 a.m. and I can’t sleep. And as I was publishing the last post, I heard a story on MSNBC that Fidel Castro issued a statement in defense of the Cuban Olympic taekwondo fighter who kicked the ref in the face because of alleged bribery rumors.

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I don’t know how long it’ll be up, but the video of the incident is here if you wanna see it. There are some stills up front but the video kicks in towards the end. Apparently Castro defends dude saying that the face mash-up was warranted. Dude’s not even the president anymore but expressed “total solidarity” for the fighter and his coach who I think got banned for life. Then he said the fighter “couldn’t contain himself.”

HELLS YEEAHH Cuba! Castro basically just said, “If you mess with us, be ready to get craned in the face. Point blank… Me and what army? Me and THIS army, sucka!!!” I mean, of course I think dude was wrong for what he did, but I don’t think Bill Clinton would have my back in a fight — right or wrong. I’m just sayin’. Cuba is so gangsta. I think I’m jealous. Alright, I’m going to sleep now.

5:42 a.m.

Keep the change

Published August 20, 2008 in Anatomy of a hip hop classic, I couldn't make this stuff up, I quit, WORD? and really dude?. 3 Comments

OK so this is random.

Two posts about LL Cool J this month. Who’dve thunk? But this couldnt be ignored. The Ladies Love was being interviewed on the Steve Harvey Morning Show this morning. They were discussing — among other things – the keys to his longevity and his abdominal muscles. I don’t know one man in my personal life who is comfortable talking about another man’s attractiveness or body, but it seems like whenever I see or hear a man interview LL Cool J, he inevitably ends up complimenting him on his body. I think LL has mind control like Deebo.

Moving on… I said in my previous LL post this month that I have not in the past enjoyed LL interviews. So when I turned on my radio this morning I was excited to put my theory to the test… and I was pleasantly surprised. LL was giving a sort of testimony and pep talk to anyone out in radioland who ever had a dream. He said something like, “There’s no age limit to success. Colonel Sanders started KFC at age 65 and Russell [Simmons], Rick [Rubin] and I kicked off Def Jam when I was 15… If you dream of something do it.”

Go LL! … Maybe I was wrong about you.

But he then added that he also attributes a lot of his success to the fact that he tithes in church. Now, I know that should have really put me over the top — made me wanna renege on all my anti-LL-interview rhetoric. And it did — for about 30 seconds. Because about 30 seconds after LL talked about faith in God and being rewarded for that faithfulness, they played his new single, “Baby.”

Exhale.

I don’t know how many of you have heard this song (I’m sure I would never have heard it on the station I listen to if LL weren’t a guest) so I decided to post some of the lyrics below. I pulled them from the Web so I’m sure they’re not 100% accurate, but I heard it for myself this morning. The ‘important’ stuff is there… Check ‘em out and meet me on the other side:

I Met this little girl, she was off the hook
I got cold chills when her body shook
Hot sex on the platter no need to cook
I let her steal my heart like a horny crook
Had her grinding and winding against my leg
She messin with my head, wanna play in the bed
Sexy pumps on, toenails red
Your bodys a gun baby, pump me full of lead
It hard to hold you when you movin’ vulgar
Peace sign on your eyes like John Travolta
My pulp ain’t fiction, it’s an addiction
To see your booty clap on the floor in the kitchen
Nasty girl, taught me all the lingo
While mama play bingo, she ride mandingo
She dont give a damn if im married or single
She makes me tingle

She likes Hip-Hop and R&B
Her life time goal is to be on TV
She looking for a man that could give her a break
Like Usher or Justin Timberlake
Im really not sure if her breasts are fake
Cuz wit whipped cream on em, they taste just like cake
We drink some beer, inside of daddy’s ‘64
She shot me in the back with cupids arrow
We finish the 6-pac, she push the seat back
Pulled up her dress n she let me peep that
Im Drunk as a skunk, feeling all dirty
Truck stop bathroom at 7:30
Bought her some dessert, give a damn if its early
Head spinnin around like roller derby
Everything about her says you dont deserve me
I hope im worthy

In the back of the pickup, clothes are rip up
She see my chrome wheels, it gets more real
Running and laughing, music blasting
Side over the road, bent over crashing
Mouth all dry, can feel the urge
If you see my mama, dont say a word
The cops wanna know im a word are slurred
Dont ask me officer ask her
Wanna another drink baby she like sure
Wanna hit the club she like I dont curr
She all in the rearview doin her hurr
Hairspray and lip gloss everywhurr
This all happens on an average day
Your life is a trip girl, im here to stay
Never had a girl make me feel this way
Even tho I had to pay

I’m not sure God wants 10 percent of the proceeds from that. I’m just saying.

Never had a girl make me feel this way / Even tho I had to pay

Really??? Had to pay???

Hey LL, Jesus just called.  He said you can keep your dime.

Is this my life?… Really?!?!?

Published August 14, 2008 in 5 things that made me smile, Last Comic Standing, WORD?, awesome stuff, i heart it, live your dream and watch me on tv. 18 Comments

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I can’t even believe I’m typing this sentence because I can’t believe it’s happening… but I am going to be a guest on the Ellen DeGeneres show next month! HOORAY!!! I’m not sure anyone really understands what that means to me. But it’s just the validation I needed. And right on time.

In addition to just plain being my favorite, she is THE icon for female comics of my generation as far as I’m concerned. So genuine and smart, so original… and she knows who *I* am. That blows my mind. I was contacted by her show after Ellen saw me on Last Comic Standing. “Ellen is such a fan. She was so upset you didn’t advance to the next round.” That was an exact quote! I’m going out to tape in about a month. More info to come later for sure. I’m so gassed. Gotta go write some jokes!

–Me

John Edwards, you ARE the father — let the hacky blog ensue

Published August 9, 2008 in WORD?, jus' venting, slow blog day and you're welcome. 0 Comments

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Soooo Johnny Boy, it’s time to lace up your track shoes and start practicing your high knees because you are well on your way towards doing short sprints around Maury Povich’s studio. I don’t know why we still get surprised when these politicians do dirt. They are human and just as likely — if not MORE likely — to do evil shit.

How awesome would it be if there was “a very special Maury” just for politicians and religious figures to determine paternity of alleged love children. John Edwards, Jesse Jackson, Jacques Chirac… It would be EN-TER-TAIN-ING!

Here’s a random sidebar b/c I’m a little loopy this afternoon. Do you think when women are being screened for the Maury show the producers make them take off their shoes and clock how fast they can run around the studio? Do you think that any women get denied for being too slow. Sorry Keisha, you *do* have 7 baby daddy’s but your “40″ time is waaaaay to slow…

Exhale… I am so embarrassed that I typed this entry, but that’s not gonna stop me from posting it. And don’t judge me because you read it.

Piece,
EJ
(Yes I am aware that is the wrong one)

Daniel Craig: Devastatingly Handsome(?)

Published July 30, 2008 in WORD? and random thought. 0 Comments

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I recently saw our newest Bond described that way in some magazine… (People… or GQ maybe?).

And I totally agree with the sentiment. I think Daniel Craig is a hottie — although it took me a while to be sure. In my opinion, his features are such that he’s right on the line between super duper gorgeous and just plain old ‘interesting looking’ — if that makes any sense. In “Munich” I was like ‘eh’ but as 007 –“somebody please hand me a funeral home church fan cause it’s getting hot in here…”

But devastatingly handsome?…

I think that’s a bit much. Ladies, when is the last time you saw a man so fine you were devastated? I’m gonna go ahead and guess ‘never’. I mean, I’ve known a lot of good-looking men in my day. But not one of them has ever knocked my power out or caused a flood or a famine …

I did date a guy once who made me wanna stop eating while we were together, but it wasn’t devastation. Just the Atkins diet.

I think we get a little excited with our adjectives in this country is all I’m saying…

Out.

“Yeeeeeah, and let me get some of them little black motherf—s too…”

Published April 20, 2008 in I couldn't make this stuff up, I quit, WORD?, beautiful black people, if we hadn't buried it I'd call you a..., you're a grown ass man and you're welcome. 2 Comments

Pardon my French, but that is a DIRECT quote from the man who was standing in front of me at the Subway sandwich shop down the street from my house.

He was pointing at the olives.

You’re welcome.

Why must I cry?

Published February 13, 2008 in I couldn't make this stuff up, I quit, WORD?, i hate it, long way to go and race riots. 0 Comments

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Alright, so this isn’t even a funny joke. Lord, let this be a joke…

What we need at a time like this is more Reh Dogg…

The ‘A’ word

Published January 30, 2008 in I couldn't make this stuff up, WORD?, jus' venting, really dude? and you not too drunk to get slapped. 2 Comments

I am opening for comedy legend, icon, GIANT Robert Klein this week at the Improv in DC. A huge fan of the process of writing, I love to see the greats at work. He’s working on material for his 9th HBO special. Man… can you imagine… A couple years ago, when he was working out for his last special, I went to the club and saw the show 2, maybe 3 times–I can’t remember… So when Allyson, the manager at the Improv asked me if I was available to do the show this time, I was super excited and of course jumped at it!!! I’ve pretty much been counting the days until the show. The first one was last nite.

As a few of us comics were chatting in the back of the room after the show, this woman comes up to me and starts gushing about how much she enjoyed the show–which would make any comic blush. And then she follows it up with “And you… You are so articulate.”

(Insert Screeching tires)

As my boy Dawan would say, I gave her the ‘big eyes’… but then I reeled myself in because really she was trying to be complimentary and I knew that and I could tell she’d just really enjoyed the show, plus she was an older woman. But it got me to thinking what is it about that word that pisses me off so much? Would I have even been bothered by it if I’d never heard Chris Rock’s bit about Colin Powell being so “well-spoken?” Would I have just smiled and taken it as a compliment?

What is it about someone calling me articulate that makes me want to respond with ”NO, I AIN’T!” Or something worse…

Back in September, I opened for Mark (Mr. Cooper) Curry at the very same club. And after the show, this young-ish, really drunk white woman came up to me and said, “I really enjoyed you, but you were so white. It’s like you’re a white girl trapped inside a black girl’s body.” Then she said the “A” word.

And it took everything I had for me and my diction not to go upside her *bleep* head. Continue reading ‘The ‘A’ word’

We don’t carry purple either

Published January 20, 2008 in I couldn't make this stuff up, WORD?, jus' venting, race riots and really dude?. 1 Comment

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I was in Georgetown on Friday afternoon looking for a long-sleeved black cotton t-shirt. I stopped by Urban Outfitters and couldnt find what I was looking for. Then I went to the Gap — still no luck, so as I was walking back, I walked by Abercrombie and Fitch. I’d never been in that store before, but I know it’s casual clothing, so I decided to go in. When I walked in there was a girl standing by the door and she asked if she could help me. Since I didn’t have a lot of time, I was like sure… I’m looking for a long-sleeved black cotton t-shirt. And she said, “Oh, I’m sorry. We don’t sell anything black.”

For real? At first I thought she was kidding. I was like wait, so nothing in this store is black? And she looked at me as if to say, “Well nothing but YOU.” Of course she didn’t actually say that, but if this whole encounter had been a scene in a sitcom (Scrubs, for example) there would have been a dream sequence where she totally would have said that, then I would have punched her in the face, and then it’d be back to reality.

I was in the store for a total of about 8 seconds. When I left I was upset, but I wasn’t sure if I had the right to be. I mean she didn’t say we don’t sell TO anyone black, but it bothered me so much I had to investigate further. Was it just the buyer for that store who didn’t like black so that location didn’t carry black clothing or was it a company-wide policy?

So on my way to my show on Friday nite, I called another Abercrombie store and asked to speak with a manager. And I asked him 1) if it was true they didn’t carry black and 2) what was the reason. He told me that since Abercrombie was an “outfitter”, by definition they carry casual clothes. Black was a more formal, grown-up color and they carry black in their sister store, Ruehl. (Apparently Ruehl is to Abercrombie as Banana Republic is to Gap). He told me that American Eagle, which is also an ”outfitter” didn’t carry black either. So okay… I was about to give him the benefit of the doubt. I think it’s a stupid policy/reason not to carry such a basic color in their stores, but it’s their right. I was like hey, Erin, you’re turning into Martin Lawrence’s character in Boomerang… Everything’s not racial. So I said well, thanks for the explanation. And then he said “No problem, and in case it makes you feel better, we don’t carry purple either.”

Alright, pump the brakes.

Continue reading ‘We don’t carry purple either’

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