That is a very unattractive baby you have there.
So you finally decided to wax your moustache.
Everyone knows you’re bald.
Oh and this one…
Damn, Donovan… just damn.
Archive for the 'tell us how you really feel' Category
OK, so a bad Eagles loss has the potential to put me in a sour mood for an entire week. Yesterday’s loss may have an even longer effect. So let the angry blogs commence…
I am a fan of public transportation. I ride DC Metrobuses and subways whenever I can. I love how you can actually relax and get things done while you’re riding. Sure there’s congestion in train stations around the escalators and on the platforms during certain parts of the day, but in general it’s a much less stressful way to travel.
But what I cannot stand are the people who stroll through subway stations during rush hour with those rolling bookbags dragging behind them. They cause other people to trip on them. They bang them up against your shins. And then they look at you like you’re crazy… AAAAGGGHHH!!!
How lazy are we? I mean collectively as a country… how much lazier can we get?
It’s a JANSPORT bookbag for goodness sake. I carried my own ON MY BACK when I was in like first grade. I don’t even think you can get enough stuff in a Jansport to make it too heavy to carry. Unless you are a bricklayer who brings his own materials to work in his bookbag, there really is no excuse for this lazy ass behavior. If you are bringing so much work home that you can’t bear to lift it, get a new job. Or at least drive yourself there.
And just when I thought we’d reached the saturation point of laziness, I was walking down the street the other day and I saw a guy rolling a gym bag into Bally’s. Let me type that again. I saw a guy rolling a gym bag into Bally’s. Hey dude, looking to get in shape? How bout you start by actually carrying your tennis shoes into the gym. Yeah, three sets of ten reps of carrying your own effing tennis shoes. Eff me. I mean clearly, I am not in good shape either, but my pride would not allow me to wheelbarrow my workout clothes into a gym. I’m just saying.
And don’t even get me started on the kids with the Dora the Explorer and Hello Kitty bags. I want to weep every time I see these poor kids rolling their Trapper Keepers to school (do they even make those anymore?). Their lazy ass parents should be arrested.
But heavy bookbags cause back problems for kids, Erin…”
Give me a break. The ugly truth is we are a nation of punks and now we’re turning our kids into punks. I mean really, if they were bringing home that much homework our nation’s test scores would be higher. But again, I’m just saying.
I’m done now because I don’t want to lose you guys as readers. I really hope we beat San Fran next week or this blog could get ugly(er).
Pray for me,
E
Yes?
No?
Guess I’ll just wait and see…
Photo Moral #1: If you give a damn, how ’bout you spend more than a dollar on your pregnancy test.
Photo Moral #2: If you don’t have enough money for a legit pregnancy test, you should probably be hoping for a “not pregnant” result.
Hey! So I’ve come to realize that blogging has really helped my writing. Sometimes when I’m struggling to come up with new ideas and I’ve got writer’s block, I’ll scroll back thru old blogs and find stories and premises that transfer nicely onto the stage.
Last month I blogged about my friend who doesn’t know what Au Pair means. And I’ve taken that story to the stage a few times since. Last nite it got the biggest laugh its gotten so far and I wanted to share it here. Perhaps this will be a new series here on You’re Welcome… hahaha … and like most of the series I begin, I’ll only do it once ;) Anywayz here goes… I Youtubed the clip. Lemme know what you think? Is it a keeper? You get to decide. My act is in your hands.
So a friend and I were on the Metro the other day and there was an advertisement in our car for a company called eurAuPair that had a picture of a kid and a young girl on it… And she was kinda staring at it for a while. So I asked her what was wrong and she said, “What does AuPair mean again?” So I told her it’s like a nanny but from another country usually. And she said, “Oh yeah. That’s right. I always get that confused with au gratin.”
Word?
Just admit you had no idea what the word meant before this moment. Cause I mean really, what could you possibly be doing or where could you possibly go that you’re “always” confronted with these two words? Plus I just can’t see a situation in which you could ever confuse the two. Have you ever heard of context clues?…
“Please Mr. Waiter, I’d like to have the steak medium-well, and the potatoes with the young European caregiver sprinkled on top.”
or maybe…
“Sure we’re free to go out with you guys tonite. The melted cheese and breadcrumbs are at home watching the kids.”
AAAAHHHH!!! I can’t stand when people can’t admit that they don’t know things. Who knows everything? I mean, besides Oprah ;) I have much more respect for people who ask questions and ask for help than people who prefer to pretend to know things and marinate in their ignorance. I told her I’d be writing this blog and said all this to her while we were on the train so I don’t feel bad about it. I apologize for the early morning Friday rant, but I had to get that out.
From Passiveaggressivenotes.com. I heart this:
Oh and I couldn’t leave this gem out from Toothpaste for Dinner:
A comedian friend recently told me that his favorite thing about being a comedian is that there is “no front office.” No single authority figure. No one person who holds your career in their hands.
But that can sometimes be a double-edged sword. I mean there’s something to be said for having superiors, filters — shit let’s be honest… someone to whom you can pass the buck. If I worked for Hoover and I sold you a vacuum cleaner that didn’t work, I feel for ya, but it ain’t my problem. Call corporate. If you order a steak and it’s not to your liking, you can send it back to the kitchen…
But comics are not steaks.
Or vacuums.
In an industry where, not only is the product you’re selling intangible and subjective, but *you* are actually the product, being a one-man/woman company isn’t always glamorous. If I sell you *me* and you decide after the transaction has taken place that you didn’t like me, what recourse do you or should you have? It’s not like I can offer to go backstage, come out and do the the show again… And it’s likely you wouldn’t ask me to even if I could.
I recently performed at an event where nearly two weeks later the event coordinator contacted me to tell me that the organization was totally dissatisfied with my performance. I’d been paid (AFTER the performance — mind you, sans complaints). Check cashed. To revisit my earlier metaphor, the entire steak had been eaten, but the diner still wanted to send it back. I was literally asked to cut the organization a check for the difference between what I was paid and what I felt I deserved. Yeah, really. I’m surprised my pride even allowed me to type that last sentence, but I did it to illustrate my point.
Most folks outside of the industry don’t have a clear understanding of all the things that impact the dynamics of a show… Format. Flow. Energy. Venue setup. It’s why people don’t understand why you can’t just tell them a joke on command at a 4th of July picnic and have it hit the same way it would in a club.
“Yeah we’re gonna put you up right after dinner has been served and have you do 15 minutes… Then we’re going to have our director come up and talk about how contributing to cancer research can greatly improve the quality and reduce loss of life… and then we just need you to do a tight 5 to close the show out.” Word? This incident is actually not the one this blog is about… but this happened as well. Strangely I did really well at the cancer fundraiser, but it was in spite of the format.
Anyway, when the show organizer called me up it was literally my worst comedy experience ever. Of course as a comic I know that there will never be a time when everyone enjoys your show equally. But just the suggestion that I send them back money based on what I felt I deserved made me boil because I had charged them a lot less than I normally would have based on the nature of the event. My pride puffed up and I told him he could have the entire check back. I was pissed, not just at the request, but at the manner and tone in which it was presented and the fact that the issue was not brought up until so far after the event. I handled the call with all the professionalism I could muster, but it was the angriest I’d been in years. I WISH I’d had someone else to field the call… Continue reading ‘I am not a steak’
Alright, so all comics — all people for that matter — have their own neuroses. Anyone that knows me even casually is probably pretty aware that I am not a fan of unsolicited or unwarranted hugging, European cheek kissing, etc. In fact ‘not a fan of’ is really an understatement.
I absolutely hate it.
A lot of people assume it’s because I’m a germaphobe or something. But that’s not the case at all. I just think hugging is a really intimate a gesture. I used to do a bit about how I reserve hugs for people I’m dating and really special occasions — when I see people I haven’t seen in a really long time. Like if I saw my grandmother, I’d hug her because she passed away in 1993 and reincarnation is a legitimately hugworthy event . Blah, blah, blah. There was more to it and it was only moderately funny, but I loved the bit because I felt like I was being really honest about something that really bugs me that I think a lot of people could identify with, but apparently it just made me seem like an icy jerk.
People would come up to me after the show and say stuff like, “Well, I really enjoyed your show. But I’m NOT gonna hug you…” Real snarky-like. As if they were punishing me. And I’d always be thinking GREAT!!! Cause in case you missed it, NOT hugging me is exactly what I want for you to do.
(I mean, scientifically, has not hitting the bitch achieved the desired result?)
Please pardon my A.D.D. That last sentence just reminded me of this episode…
But back to the point. Why would you even think a hug is the appropriate gesture for this situation anyway?
“Hey, I really think you’re funny. Now let’s rub our boobs together.”
Why?
A couple of weeks ago I went out to help my friend Dawan celebrate his birthday, and he and a few other folks thought it would be cute to take a series of photos where people were trying to hug me or put me in semi-headlocks. And you know what? It WAS cute.
Please read the irony.
Right about here I was thinking, “If it wasn’t your birthday I’d probably try to fight you. And you with the camera, Walk home.”
I hated every second of it. My mom says I was like that even as a kid. I’m sure I should probably be in therapy somewhere… But until I can find a therapist who accepts CVS Extra Care Bucks for payment, I’m gonna need y’all to stop it.
John that means you ;)
OK, so I live on a one way street (literally and metaphorically) thats just a block long. And at the end of my block there are two signs that say “Deaf Child.” I’m sure y’all have seen them before. The purpose of these signs of course is to warn drivers to proceed slowly down the street because there may be a child playing who does not hear the car approaching… blah, blah, blah.
Most of my neighbors are older folks but there are a few families with kids. So after living here for 2 years, the other day I got curious and asked one of my neighbors if they knew which family had the deaf child. And his response was, “Oh that deaf boy been grown and moved out. I asked the city to take that sign down years ago.”
That’s what he said.
What I heard was, “The rest of these little suckas that can hear are fair game.”
Now maybe I just interpreted it that way because I’m a comic and that’s what I do, but really, what’s wrong with having the sign there? Doesn’t it have the potential to make the kids — and less observant adults — who do live on our street just a little bit safer? I mean I’ve watched more than my share of Law and Order and I’ve never seen anyone get off using the ‘but this kid could hear‘ defense. “Your Honor, you can’t tell me he didn’t hear me busting them caps around the corner…”
I dunno. I’m just rambling. Have a good weekend.
I see how you could get us confused… what with our chocolate complexions and fondness for Fuschia (rhymes with Rasputia by the way) but I have to say — and you’d better freakin’ agree — that that’s where the similarities here stop.
What are you talking about EJ? Well let me explain. I did a show this weekend with good buds Kojo Mante, Jason Weems and a very funny dude I just met called Adrian Rodney. It was a benefit show in the Lounge showroom at the DC Improv. Two sold out shows and I was proud to be part of it.
First show for me went great. Got the opportunity to do a little more time than I originally planned so I got to work thru some stuff. It was right on time. Second show about a minute into my set, I made a comment to a guy in the front row. Then after his response I told him I wasn’t scared of him because he was light-skinned. And he responded by calling me “Rasputia” — who in case you were confused — is the one on the left.
What surprised me the most is that in the moment I wasn’t insulted at all. I actually wanted to laugh because it was such a specific heckle. He could have called me ‘fat’ or ‘bitch’ or you know ‘fat bitch’, but no… He wanted everyone in the room to know exactly which ‘fat bitch’ I looked like. And I can’t hate on that. Hahaha … What’s more embarrassing?… being compared to Eddie Murphy in a fat suit, or admitting that I saw Norbit? I decided that I would address it and thus began the awkward nature of my set at the late show.
Twice I went to say something else to him but I kept telling myself. You are doing a benefit show for a very sensitive subject. This is not the place. DO NOT engage. But it was hard. About two jokes in I kinda got back on track. But when I got to the section of my act where I usually tell a group of jokes about size and weight and perception I got mad — again, not at his comment — but at the fact that now I didn’t get to be the one to bring up weight so it lost some of its punch. I did two of the jokes and right before I remember saying, “Here come the fat jokes, sir. Sit back and enjoy.” But I didn’t even get to the more clever bits, which are among some of my favorite bits in the act because by that point the topic had been addressed. Oh well. (pokes out bottom lip).
The table and the Rasputia guy enjoyed most of the rest of the set I think - I mean I saw them laughing. But I had to run to get to another event and I couldn’t stay til the end of the show. I’d have loved to talk to him and literally tell him how funny his comment was and how he threw me because literally I was standing there like… Good one. Ha! Anyway, that is what happened to me this weekend. I’ve been a lazy blogger. Trying to get back into the swing.
EJ Out.
Your two cents