my travels
Nighty-Night
Aug 16th
Sometimes when I don’t want to talk to people, I pretend to fall asleep. Not drift asleep gradually — I mean fall instantly asleep. It’s a *condition* I have chosen to refer to as situational narcolepsy.
I’ve never met a narcoleptic. I don’t know much anything about narcolepsy — except that Harriet Tubman suffered from it — but when I fake it, it looks a lot like this chick from Deuce Bigalow:
Most of my SN attacks happen on airplanes — when the person seated next to me has awful breath, or just awful conversation. A few months back I was sitting in between a married couple and when I realized they were together I asked them if they’d rather sit next to each other. “No,” was their response because he preferred the window and she preferred the aisle. Fine. But then they both ordered Bloody Mary’s and proceeded to talk across me to each other with their spicy ass breath, I immediately pulled down my eye mask and zonked out. It took a few minutes but they eventually respected my ’sleep’ and shut it down.
Praise 8 lb., 6 oz newborn infant Jesus.
My latest bout with SN came yesterday on a flight from Albany GA to Atlanta. I was sitting next to what seemed like a perfectly nice dude. He ordered a Diet Coke. Fantastic. But then there was this:
GUY: So do you live in Atlanta?
ME: No, I’m actually headed home to DC.
GUY: Oh, DC? Wow. I hear they have a crazy AIDS epidemic there.
ME: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
What do you say to that? I mean really? That’s the first thing that comes to your mind when the nation’s capital is mentioned? My friend Makeda said I should have faked a paper cut or a hang nail and made a big deal out of letting the flight attendant know I needed a band-aid. Hahahahaha. I wish I thought that quick! ;)
Anyway, feel free to adopt this phrase and/or disorder. And let me know how it works for you. ;)
Me In Your City: Indianapolis, IN
Aug 3rd
Check out my latest Me In Your City video! This one was shot in Indianapolis this past weekend and features crazy bachelorettes, flying penises (or is it peni?), and me getting thrown off a mechanical bull IN SLOW MOTION.
You’re welcome.
Vegan soul food makes my soul cry
Jul 21st
I’m out here in LA for a few days and today I met up with my girl, the HILARIOUS, international comedy rock star, Gina Yashere. She suggested we go to lunch at this vegan soul food restaurant she likes.
Vegan. Soul. Food.
If ever there were three words that made me wanna burst into tears… But I’m always open for new things so of course I said let’s go! I ordered the soul food plate with spicy fried ‘chicken’, yams, collard greens, corn, and macaroni and ‘cheese’. I started with the ‘chicken’ because I was the most curious about it. It was breaded and conical, and the consistency was very un-chicken like, but the taste wasn’t that far off. What bothered me was the short wooden stick coming out of the base of my ‘drumstick’. “Ummmmm… what is this, G?” “It’s the ‘bone.’”
Waaaaaaaaaaaah!!!
In case you’re wondering, that was my spirit sobbing. The yams and the greens were fantastic! The mac and cheese wasn’t half bad. And there was cornbread too. But the ‘chicken’ is what I cannot get over… was like the culinary version of a Designer Imposters Body Spray.
I would like to improve my diet, and clearly vegans are living a much healthier lifestyle than I am, but if this is the kind of stuff you start eating when you move to Hollywood, then I think I’m cool on LA for now.
California, casinos and biological clocks
Jul 19th
photo by Joey Fink
I’m in Temecula, California right now working at The Comedy Club at Pechanga with my good buddy Vince Morris and the very funny Keith Bender. I hadn’t worked with Vince in over a year so we had a ball, plus we had great shows all week! The club was in a casino and I was super proud of myself for pretending that wasn’t the case. I’m a sucker for roulette and dollar slots. I’ve been doing a lot more material lately on my tragic relationship history and it’s been going over pretty well. The stuff about my mom pressuring me to have kids seems to resonate with a lot of folks — so much so that after our last show of the week, a woman came up to me to talk to me about my biological clock:
LADY: You need to hurry up and have a baby.
MY EYES: You need to hurry up and pay for this t-shirt.
Then she told me how old she was when she had her kid, and that I still had a couple years… EXHALE. I guess it’s nice that people identify with the act and feel comfortable enough with me after a show to come up and talk about my life. But I had just finished talking about how badly I hate it when my mom gets on me about the babies, so why would this woman I didn’t know think I wanted to hear it from her? Sheesh, I sure hope I have more than a couple years left, because at this point I have no idea where a baby would fit.
Maybe in my carry-on?
CALI… great place to visit!
Jul 12th
Sooooo… I’m making my [not so] triumphant return to [the] LA [area]!!!
This Wednesday thru Saturday, July 14-17 I’m going to be performing with my good friend Vince Morris at The Comedy Club at Pechanga at the Pechanga Casino and Resort. I haven’t been to LA since 2008 so I’m really looking forward to it! After the shows I plan on spending a few days in LA just to catch up with friends. If you’re in the area and can make it down I GUARANTEE that you will love this show from top to bottom.
Hope some of you can make it out!
Me In Your City: Aspen, CO / Rooftop Comedy Festival
Jul 9th
Check out my latest Me In Your City video blog. This one features me and some of my comedy buddies while we were out in Aspen last month for the Rooftop Comedy Festival. It was my first trip to Colorado and man… Aspen was absolutely GORGEOUS. I can’t wait to get rich.
Enjoy the scenery!
I will put my soft shoe up in yo’ …
Jun 26th
So I had a show night before last in Lake of the Ozarks, MO. I was about an hour early for the show because I had the showtime wrong so I was hanging out in the back of the showroom and besides the staff there was only one other person there — a lady sitting at the next booth over. I was playing around with my Blackberry when she started talking to me.
LADY: Are you here for the show tonite?
ME: Yes I am.
LADY: Well then get up there on that stage and dance for me. I need to be entertained while I’m waiting.
Ummmmm… WHAT?!?!?
Dance? A little soft shoe, perhaps?!?!?
There was no indication that I was part of the show. And there was no hint of a smile or a joke on her face. She didn’t blink. She was dead serious. And I was livid. I gave her the big eyes and said, “Oh there will be no dancing” and then continued doing what I was doing. But after a minute or two I was so heated I had to get up and move myself over to the bar. I really wanted to hit her — not like in an imaginary dream sequence, but in living color. I was trying to figure out if there was another way I could take that, without jumping right to the fact that it was the most racist thing I’ve heard in years. But I couldn’t come up with anything.
I was sooooo angry and I wanted to address it on stage, but since no one else had witnessed it, I knew I was just gonna ruin the show for the headliner and the other 99% of the audience. The show ended up going really well for me but I still kinda felt like a punk for not getting at her. On my way back to the hotel I called my Dad, and he basically just told me to take my money and let it go. He’s had to deal with tons of racist comments being one of just a handful of black folks that worked at his company for 30+ years. And I know he was right. My job is to give a good show and get invited back. Releasing that venom definitely would have made me feel better, but it probably would have ensured that I’d never play the venue again.
I’m a bit of a hot head, and learning to pick my battles is a difficult thing for me, but when things like this happen I guess they’re just an opportunity for growth.
Exhale.
Moral Dilemma
Jun 22nd
If an airline loses my luggage and then sends a driver bring it to my house later on or the next day, am I expected to tip the driver when he gets there? I mean, I’m happy I didn’t have to go back to the airport, but dude is on the same team with the people who lost my luggage in the first place, right? I mean, I would have carried it myself if only it had arrived on the same plane I did.
Do I look cheap if I don’t tip? Am I a sucker if I do? What is the appropriate expression to wear when I meet old boy on the curb? Do I just give him the ‘big eyes?’ Feel free to weigh in.
Top of the World!!!
Jun 22nd
Just got back from a long road trip that included visits to Atlanta, Birmingham, AL, and Aspen, CO. I was in Aspen for a comedy festival with some of my favorite comedy buddies. And on the last day a few of us took a gondola up to the top of Aspen Mountain. OMG, so beautiful! More photos to come but this one makes me so happy I had to go ahead and post it right away!
Motown, Old Roomies and a Star Wars Wedding
May 25th
I just got back from Detroit (well the Detroit area) where I worked at Joey’s Comedy Club in Livonia, MI. Worked with two great guys, the very funny Johnny Beehner out of Milwaukee and Ed Buehner who was based out of the Detroit metro.
I visited the Motown Museum.
It was AWESOME. So much history in such a small space. I can’t believe I was standing in the studio where Stevie and The Temptations and The Four Tops and Marvin Gaye and Smokey and Edwin Starr, etc. recorded so much awesome music. No photos are allowed inside, but that’s OK. I remember it all. There was also a great movie they showed there. Way too many people at the shows this weekend said they’d never been. I couldn’t believe it.
At our Thursday show we met a young lady named Grace (above) who was having her bachelorette party at the club. Her wedding was Saturday and after the show she told me that she and her fiancee were having a Star Wars wedding, where they and their guests would dress in costumes from the movies. I immediately began to picture her in the Princess Leia white robe-y costume — but NOPE! More >
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