me being overly dramatic
Creepin’ cops
Aug 24th
Some friends and I ventured out to Marvin last nite for some free fun and the Michael Jackson Birthday Tribute Party.
I know it doesn’t look like I’m having a good time here, but that’s just because my friend Keisha and I like to take photos and pretend she drags me out of the house and forces me to go to parties against my will. Please see Exhibit B from my birthday this year:
Moving on, we didn’t get to the party til about 11:30 pm. — cause I was pressed to watch the (very underwhelming) season finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey and because the Monday old school party at Marvin doesn’t even start til 10. Yes on a Monday. Don’t judge us. I do *this* for a living and Keisha is on vacay this week…
I didn’t get home til after 2 am. And because it was so late, there was no parking on my block so I circled around and ended up having to park a couple blocks from my building. As I was getting out of the car I saw a DCMP squad car coming down the block. The officer driving the car slowed to ask if I was OK getting back to the building and I said sure, thanks to the new ultra bright street lights that were recently installed in my neighborhood. Making small talk while I gathered my stuff out of the back seat, I asked when they were installed since I only noticed after I came home from my last trip. “Vacation?” he asked. No, I travel for work… What kind of work do I do? I’m an entertainer.
Now I’m starting to walk towards my building and the officers are driving slowly next to me.
“My partner is kinda in love with you,” said the driver cop.
And that’s when it started to feel weird… The cop on the passenger side leaned across his partner and started asking questions: What’s my name? (so tempted to say Puddin’ Tain). What kind of entertainer?… I knew they were police officers but I don’t care what your job is, if you’re a man creeping down the block trying to holler at 2am, I don’t need you knowing my name, what I do for a living, and where I live right off the jump. I appreciated their gesture and even if their motivation wasn’t 100% genuine concern for my well-being, I was happy to see them there patrolling the neighborhood. But I picked up my phone pretended to dial and waved goodbye to them as I got to my gate.
The hilarious Leighann Lord said I may have missed out on a “how I met your Daddy” story. And maybe she’s right, but I was super uncomfortable… I swear if they hadn’t been cops, I probably would have called the police.
And now I leave you with the song that was running thru my head the entire time cop #2 was talking across his partner to ask me questions:
Me In Your City: Juniata College/Huntingdon, PA
Jan 27th
Ok, so I’ve been getting a little excited lately with the video blogging, I know. But they’re fun (for me at least ;) Check out what happened after I got to where I was going in the blog below. The students at Juniata had fun freaking me out. And I starred in my own mini-version of The Blair Witch Project (emphasis on the ‘mini’)
Hope you like.
I am broke… but I will NEVER be this broke
Aug 7th
Just a little update since the last time we chatted…
As you know, my car was stolen about 3 weeks ago. It was actually recovered, but it was beaten up so badly the insurance company totaled it. Boooooo, right? Well hang on… That’s not the best part. Last weekend I was headed up to Philly for Eagles Flight Night (an event I was SUUUUPER excited about) and I got into a 4-car pile up on the B/W Parkway. Airbag deployed… I was a bit banged up… Triple A had to come get the rental. So now I have a claim into the insurance company for my stolen car AND the rental that I wrecked. Plus I still have to buy a car.
Basically I’m broke. Very damned, in fact.
Which brings me to my point: I may not know yet how I’m going to get a car in the next week or so. I may be a little late paying all of my a couple bills this month… But I will NEVER, EVER be so broke that I mop up a coke off my kitchen floor and then squeeze it back into a glass and drink it. Because that people, is a choice.
“In these tough times?…” Dude, that’s crackhead sh!t. I tune out of this infomercial at that point EVERY time it comes on. Whose idea was that?
No matter what, I vow to myself here and now that I will never let it get that bad.
The end.
Good Times: Aren’t we lucky we have them?
Apr 14th
Yeah so I’m cold.
Why don’t you turn on the heat, Erin?
Good question.
The answer: Because I can’t. My condo was refurbished from an old apartment building, so while it’s super cute and all the appliances were new when I moved in, I don’t have central air/heat. We have window units and radiators…
So just open the radiator, Erin.
Again, good suggestion.
My response: I could do that, but no heat would come out. A few weeks ago after a brief warm spell our property management company turned off the heat for the spring. And we can’t turn it on again because we were robbed by our previous property management company and as of right now are working on suing them and replenishing the reserve money they stole from us. In short, we cannot currently afford to turn the heat back on.
Yes, that is very project-ish — especially considering I pay a mortgage and association fees… I should not have to sit in my house with my oven open…
But I’m doing it. And don’t you dare judge me… I’ll clean my oven when I thaw out.
Sure the hat and scarf may be a little overly dramatic — but that’s what I do.
There are other factors contributing to my freezing my butt off and this cold I can’t get rid of. Reasons I won’t get into here. But I have a neighbors who are sick and many of us are wearing full-on winter outfits around the house and to bed (don’t worry about how I know ;). I have to go into the studio tonight and shoot 3 radio segments — I can’t breathe through my nose and I sound like crap. I know I sound like I’m whining, and I don’t mean it to come off that way. I was going more for PISSED OFF!!! Thank goodness for my Snuggies –Â and the fact that my place isn’t very big. When I cook in the summer I often complain about how hot the place gets. Today there are no complaints.
My upstairs neighbor Rafeal laughed at me last week when I told him about my oven warming. He said he hadn’t heard about anyone doing that in years. Sure, I feel like I climbed right out of an episode of Good Times…
(Just looking outta the window…)
But it gets the job done.
Pissed, cold and congested,
E.
The pitbull, 911 and my E! THS
Mar 11th
I pulled up in front of my building the other day and noticed a dog pacing back and forth in front of my building and the two houses on either side. Then it crossed the street and sat on another neighbor’s porch for a while… It didn’t have a collar or a person attached to it so I decided to wait in my car until it was far enough down the street for me to make it safely to my building.
At first glance, I thought it was a doberman. But when it got closer to my car I realized it was a pitbull — or some kind of pitbull mix (I’m no good at animals). YIKES!
Pretty, but scary...
I eventually made a run for it. A few of my neighbors were on their porch in captivity as well, so as soon as I got inside my gate I called 911, who then put me through to Animal Control. In hindsight, I wish I had played it up a bit and been more hysterical. Because they tape those things and I mean, really… how often do you get the chance to legitimately call 911? It could have been great material for my E! True Hollywood Story.
Talk about a missed opportunity.
Are you there, God? It’s me, EJ
Mar 7th
I do not understand this.
What kind of God would allow this to happen? My faith in the inherent goodness of humanity has been shaken. It’s been a week and I just do not understand this. I’m having a hard time putting this post in the ‘GO EAGLES‘ category.
This is my protest. B Dawk forever!!!
Hooray for trading away the heart and soul of the franchise. Way to go!
BARTENDER!?!?!!!!!!
My first gold tooth a.k.a. I hate my dentist
Mar 2nd
So it’s taken a while — partly because I’m broke and partly because I have a very popular dentist — but I recently finished getting a crown on a molar I broke last year while eating a piece of popcorn. You may or may not remember this poignant haiku…
It ended up costing way more than $600. And the first temporary fell out twice — once while I was out to lunch with friends. But that was nowhere near the most embarrassing part of this process. No… that precious moment came when my dentist was fitting me for the permanent crown and he brought out a mirror and an array of  porcelain samples varying in color from pretty damn white to what I can only describe as Mountain Dew. He then proceeded to hold what I thought was a relatively yellow tooth up to my tooth in the mirror and said, “What do you think about this one? I think this is about right.”
Dude, are you serious?
That tooth looks like it’s been out drinking cigarettes and smoking coffee all its life. My teeth are not that color. I told him to go up a couple shades lighter. But he picked the tooth right next to the coffee/cig tooth and said, “Nah, I think this one is way too white.”
“Way too white?” No really, am I being punked?
Because I feel like I should have the option to have a snow white tooth in my mouth if that’s what I want. If I want the whitest tooth on that color palette, I should be able to get it as long as my check clears… Maybe my whole plan was to start with a new white tooth and Crest White Strip it up until they all match… Or maybe I wanted my new crown to inspire my other teeth to be better on some Obama “Yes We Can” ish. But I shouldn’t have been forced to take the tooth Dr. Davis thinks I should have.
Now, I know I’m prone to exaggeration, but I literally (figuratively) feel like I have a gold tooth in my mouth. Seriously… I open my mouth wide enough and I feel compelled to quote Kool G. Rap lyrics and sing Mary J. Blige hooks. Do you understand?
Exhale.
My boy said it’s not that bad, but for the sake of the funny, let’s just say it is ;)
Talk later,
-E
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