Archive for the 'jus' venting' Category

A nation of punks

Published October 6, 2008 in BOOOOOO!, i hate it, jus' venting and tell us how you really feel. 1 Comment

OK, so a bad Eagles loss has the potential to put me in a sour mood for an entire week. Yesterday’s loss may have an even longer effect. So let the angry blogs commence…

I am a fan of public transportation. I ride DC Metrobuses and subways whenever I can. I love how you can actually relax and get things done while you’re riding. Sure there’s congestion in train stations around the escalators and on the platforms during certain parts of the day, but in general it’s a much less stressful way to travel.

But what I cannot stand are the people who stroll through subway stations during rush hour with those rolling bookbags dragging behind them. They cause other people to trip on them. They bang them up against your shins. And then they look at you like you’re crazy… AAAAGGGHHH!!!

How lazy are we? I mean collectively as a country… how much lazier can we get?

It’s a JANSPORT bookbag for goodness sake. I carried my own ON MY BACK when I was in like first grade. I don’t even think you can get enough stuff in a Jansport to make it too heavy to carry. Unless you are a bricklayer who brings his own materials to work in his bookbag, there really is no excuse for this lazy ass behavior. If you are bringing so much work home that you can’t bear to lift it, get a new job. Or at least drive yourself there.

And just when I thought we’d reached the saturation point of laziness, I was walking down the street the other day and I saw a guy rolling a gym bag into Bally’s. Let me type that again. I saw a guy rolling a gym bag into Bally’s. Hey dude, looking to get in shape? How bout you start by actually carrying your tennis shoes into the gym. Yeah, three sets of ten reps of carrying your own effing tennis shoes. Eff me. I mean clearly, I am not in good shape either, but my pride would not allow me to wheelbarrow my workout clothes into a gym. I’m just saying.

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And don’t even get me started on the kids with the Dora the Explorer and Hello Kitty bags. I want to weep every time I see these poor kids rolling their Trapper Keepers to school (do they even make those anymore?). Their lazy ass parents should be arrested.

But heavy bookbags cause back problems for kids, Erin…”

Give me a break. The ugly truth is we are a nation of punks and now we’re turning our kids into punks. I mean really, if they were bringing home that much homework our nation’s test scores would be higher. But again, I’m just saying.

I’m done now because I don’t want to lose you guys as readers. I really hope we beat San Fran next week or this blog could get ugly(er).

Pray for me,
E

Obligation

Published October 1, 2008 in having a bad day, i hate it and jus' venting. 1 Comment

This is gonna be a short one, y’all…

I just feel the need to say that if you’re going to make a living waxing people’s eyebrows, you have an obligation to have fresh breath.

Period.

I did not come in for a complimentary nose-hair singeing. Pop a Tic-Tac please and lets get to waxing.

Join my street team

Published September 29, 2008 in I quit, jus' venting and sometimes I'm a loser. 4 Comments

I suck at dating.

I do. I’ve never really been big on trying to sell myself to another person. I guess I’ve always thought, hey I’m pretty cool. If you agree, lets go bowling. That’s a good date in my book. I’m not picky I promise.

I’ve been on some really bad dates… And I’ve been on some decent ones, but overall I think I’m just over it. I’m tired and I don’t really have the energy to sift thru all the men out there to find the right one for me.

When I was in college, there was a local club promoter who used to pay me and a couple of my friends $20 a nite to pass out party flyers to promote his events. We wore matching t-shirts and would stand outside clubs and give out flyers to people that were leaving. We’d hand them out by the doors, put them on car windshields (yeah that was me ;) And for every person who came to his party and showed a pass with my code on it (they were marked) I would get $2. Great incentive for the ladies on the street team. It saved him time and advertising dollars, and even if 20 people showed up with my flyers he was only out like $60 total which was like a gold mine to me at the time.

I’ve been thinking recently that what I need is a street team for my personal life. Just pay a bunch of good-looking guys to do the work for me — wear Erin Jackson t-shirts, pass out flyers and tell other guys what a catch I am. On the front of the flyers there would be a (very flattering) photo of me in a (very) low-cut top, and on the back there would be a list of some of my best qualities, such as:

  • makes a mean lasagna and bakes cakes from scratch (this shows I’m domestic)
  • owns her own home (this shows I’m responsible)
  • drives a beat-up Corolla with only 3 hubcaps (this shows I’m not materialistic)
  • loves sports and Jack Daniel’s (this shows I’m cool)
  • has a huge music collection and will allow you to download from her iTunes (this shows I’m not selfish)

And I’d tell my boys… You see a nice car? Put a flyer on the windshield. Maybe it’s a man’s car, maybe it’s not. At this point, who can afford to be picky? I’m not sure what the incentive would be for street team members whose flyers return a successful date, but I’d make it worth their while. Maybe I’d go on a date with them. Who knows?

All I know is that I can’t do this alone.

Will you join my street team? I’m having an interest meeting next Friday.

Compromise vs. Acceptance

Published September 23, 2008 in epic blog, jus' venting, schizoprenia and they're not all gonna be funny. 2 Comments

I recently came across this quote by Chinua Achebe:

One of the truest tests of integrity is its blunt refusal to be compromised.”

And it really spoke to me. I’ve been struggling a lot lately with the direction I want to take my act in – not because I’m uncomfortable with my material or persona, but because my father has a huge problem with it.

I said the word “bitch” on Comedy Central. I think it’s the second bit in the clip below:

After the show aired my father reamed me for cussing on TV. I told him that you can say “bitch” on the networks. But he wasn’t trying to hear me.

I see comedy nite in and nite out – all kinds of comics with varying styles. And I know that by comedy club/booker standards, I am not a dirty act. I say “bitch” in my act. I occasionally say “shit”. And when I’m referring to this particular incident (which is only of late) I use the ‘mother’ of all cuss words. But only because I’m repeating something I overheard someone else say. And I believe there’s a bigger point to it.

I grew up in a pretty religious household. Nothing fanatical. But my dad was superintendent of the Sunday School and a deacon at our church. So yeah I was at church every Sunday, but my folks weren’t strict and I was always a good girl. But I haven’t gone to church on even a semi-regular basis since I left home to come to DC for college. I honestly felt awful about it in the beginning — I remember the first Sunday I didn’t go to church I felt like there was this big gaping whole in my world. But that feeling began to fade the more and more I slept in. Of course I still believe in God. And with all the blessings I’ve received just these last 6 months in both my professional and personal life, I KNOW I need to be back in church. I joined one about a year ago and I even have a new bit about my trip to church this summer. But I’m out of the habit. And now after a late show on Saturday, its way hard for me to get up and go.

All that to say that while I believe in and thank my parents and extended family for the Christian principles upon which I was raised, I am my own person. And I don’t think it makes me a bad person if I say “bitch” on stage. But my dad is worried that all his friends and former colleagues who see me will be offended by what I say and it’ll reflect poorly upon him. 

Exhale. Continue reading ‘Compromise vs. Acceptance’

Blog-jacking: Race in the race

Published September 22, 2008 in Barack the Vote, blog-jacking, jus' venting and race riots. 0 Comments

OK, so I’ve been a little (and by ‘a little’ I mean reeeally effing) upset about this AP-Yahoo poll about how so many White Democrats are unwilling to vote for Barack Obama because of his race. I read it and was embarrassed for/by our party and our nation. It’s not like I didn’t know the bias was there, but damn…

To counter the anger bubbling up in my soul, I decided to post this very funny vlog from my boy Elon — also from TWIB. It seems to have diffused the time bomb ticking within me. For now. Dude I’m gonna have to put myself on a 1-partisan-blog-per-week diet.

Enjoy!


Source

Evil Chicago Popcorn: A Collection of Haiku

Published September 3, 2008 in Barack the Vote, haiku, i hate it and jus' venting. 0 Comments

Haiku No. 1

Damn Garrett’s popcorn
I ate less than a handful
Broke my tooth in two

Haiku No. 2

Now I need a crown
I can’t afford to fix it
Six hundred dollars

Haiku No. 3

AFTRA ganked my check
Like I owe back child support
I’m not the father

Haiku No. 4

Hope Obama wins
Does universal healthcare
Include dental too

Really?… Always?

Published August 29, 2008 in I couldn't make this stuff up, WORD?, jus' venting and tell us how you really feel. 3 Comments

So a friend and I were on the Metro the other day and there was an advertisement in our car for a company called eurAuPair that had a picture of a kid and a young girl on it… And she was kinda staring at it for a while. So I asked her what was wrong and she said, “What does AuPair mean again?” So I told her it’s like a nanny but from another country usually. And she said, “Oh yeah. That’s right. I always get that confused with au gratin.”

Word?

Just admit you had no idea what the word meant before this moment. Cause I mean really, what could you possibly be doing or where could you possibly go that you’re “always” confronted with these two words? Plus I just can’t see a situation in which you could ever confuse the two. Have you ever heard of context clues?…

“Please Mr. Waiter, I’d like to have the steak medium-well, and the potatoes with the young European caregiver sprinkled on top.”

or maybe…

“Sure we’re free to go out with you guys tonite. The melted cheese and breadcrumbs are at home watching the kids.”

AAAAHHHH!!! I can’t stand when people can’t admit that they don’t know things. Who knows everything? I mean, besides Oprah ;) I have much more respect for people who ask questions and ask for help than people who prefer to pretend to know things and marinate in their ignorance. I told her I’d be writing this blog and said all this to her while we were on the train so I don’t feel bad about it. I apologize for the early morning Friday rant, but I had to get that out.

John Edwards, you ARE the father — let the hacky blog ensue

Published August 9, 2008 in WORD?, jus' venting, slow blog day and you're welcome. 0 Comments

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Soooo Johnny Boy, it’s time to lace up your track shoes and start practicing your high knees because you are well on your way towards doing short sprints around Maury Povich’s studio. I don’t know why we still get surprised when these politicians do dirt. They are human and just as likely — if not MORE likely — to do evil shit.

How awesome would it be if there was “a very special Maury” just for politicians and religious figures to determine paternity of alleged love children. John Edwards, Jesse Jackson, Jacques Chirac… It would be EN-TER-TAIN-ING!

Here’s a random sidebar b/c I’m a little loopy this afternoon. Do you think when women are being screened for the Maury show the producers make them take off their shoes and clock how fast they can run around the studio? Do you think that any women get denied for being too slow. Sorry Keisha, you *do* have 7 baby daddy’s but your “40″ time is waaaaay to slow…

Exhale… I am so embarrassed that I typed this entry, but that’s not gonna stop me from posting it. And don’t judge me because you read it.

Piece,
EJ
(Yes I am aware that is the wrong one)

Complimenting 101: This one’s for the fellas

Published June 29, 2008 in jus' venting and you're welcome. 2 Comments

As a woman, I must admit that it’s nice to receive compliments from men. Every girl likes to feel special every now and then. But as a very single woman, I feel obligated to let married and otherwise involved men know that compliments/flirtatious remarks that begin with or contain the phrase. “If I were single…” are often counterproductive.

I’m a big fan of flirting — I’m a huge flirt myself. But every time someone says something like that to me, I’m tempted to reply with something like, “Hey, take my number anyway… you know, in case something happens to her. Life can be a bitch. I wouldn’t want you to *get* single and not be able to get in touch with me.”

The other nite after a show this guy walked up to me and said, ”You have an amazing smile. I think you’re beautiful. If I were single I’d totally ask you out.”

And I was thinking, “Thanks so much, dude. But if you were single and asked me out, I’d totally turn you down. Your marriage is not what’s keeping us apart. Trust me.”

Think how much more awesome it would have been if he’d just said, ”You have an amazing smile. I think you’re beautiful. Good night.”

Now, I don’t want to discourage men — whatever their marital status — from throwing a compliment or two in the direction of a woman they find attractive. But on some “The More You Know” PSA type ish, I just wanted to let you fellas know that you can not only achieve the desired flattery, but you can literally leave a woman blushing and make her day by just letting the compliment — whatever it is — stand on its own.

I don’t know if this was helpful to anyone. But I sure feel better ;)

You’re welcome.

But really, do our breasts have to touch?

Published May 17, 2008 in AWWWK-ward, i hate it, jus' venting and tell us how you really feel. 0 Comments

Alright, so all comics — all people for that matter — have their own neuroses. Anyone that knows me even casually is probably pretty aware that I am not a fan of unsolicited or unwarranted hugging,  European cheek kissing, etc. In fact ‘not a fan of’ is really an understatement.

I absolutely hate it.   

A lot of people assume it’s because I’m a germaphobe or something. But that’s not the case at all. I just think hugging is a really intimate a gesture. I used to do a bit about how I reserve hugs for people I’m dating and really special occasions — when I see people I haven’t seen in a really long time. Like if I saw my grandmother, I’d hug her because she passed away in 1993 and reincarnation is a legitimately hugworthy event . Blah, blah, blah. There was more to it and it was only moderately funny, but I loved the bit because I felt like I was being really honest about something that really bugs me that I think a lot of people could identify with, but apparently it just made me seem like an icy jerk.

People would come up to me after the show and say stuff like, “Well, I really enjoyed your show. But I’m NOT gonna hug you…” Real snarky-like. As if they were punishing me. And I’d always be thinking GREAT!!! Cause in case you missed it, NOT hugging me is exactly what I want for you to do.

 (I mean, scientifically, has not hitting the bitch achieved the desired result?)


Please pardon my A.D.D. That last sentence just reminded me of this episode…

But back to the point. Why would you even think a hug is the appropriate gesture for this situation anyway?

“Hey, I really think you’re funny. Now let’s rub our boobs together.”

Why?

A couple of weeks ago I went out to help my friend Dawan celebrate his birthday, and he and a few other folks thought it would be cute to take a series of photos where people were trying to hug me or put me in semi-headlocks. And you know what? It WAS cute.

Please read the irony.

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Right about here I was thinking, “If it wasn’t your birthday I’d probably try to fight you. And you with the camera, Walk home.”

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I hated every second of it. My mom says I was like that even as a kid. I’m sure I should probably be in therapy somewhere… But until I can find a therapist who accepts CVS Extra Care Bucks for payment, I’m gonna need y’all to stop it. 

John that means you ;)

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