i hate it
I smell like salmonella
Sep 2nd
I smelled like spoiled eggs until 4th grade… Or at least my hair did.
Thanks to my mom and grandmother’s love for Sulfur 8 — the anti-dandruff, conditioning grease that many brown parents swore would make little brown girls’ hair grow. Seriously, if there had been an egg recall when I was in elementary school, officials would have thrown me in the back of the truck with the rest of the “large browns.”
I started thinking about this because a Facebook friend of mine posted about how excited her daughter was to get her hair straighetened for the first day of school. It was gonna be her first time ever having it pressed and she was debating on whether she should take her to a salon or let her mom do it. And my mind immediately flashed back to when I used to get my hair pressed… And then I got angry all over again at my mom for sending me to school smelling like farts. And…
Exhale.
Learning to forgive. I love you anyway, Mommy.
No shoes, No shirt, No college
Jun 29th
Prior to becoming a comic I worked in higher education for about 8 years — at two different universities and later, a newspaper that covered the higher-ed industry. During that time, I saw the popularity of online degree and certificate programs skyrocket. A great option for non-traditional students, their pitch used to be ‘flexible scheduling for parents and working professionals.’ Now, apparently it’s devolved into ‘you can go to school in your pajamas.’
I Go to School In My Pajamas! Distance Learning Education – The funniest videos clips are here
This is nothing if not a testament to how lazy we’ve become as a country. And I can’t help but feel that if getting dressed is what was preventing you from completing your degree, maybe college isn’t for you. I mean really, is there anyone out there like, “Man, I really want to become a lawyer and help level the playing field and fight the many injustices in this world… Wait. What? I have to wear pants? Awww, nah then… I’m good on that.”
Doubt it.
I will put my soft shoe up in yo’ …
Jun 26th
So I had a show night before last in Lake of the Ozarks, MO. I was about an hour early for the show because I had the showtime wrong so I was hanging out in the back of the showroom and besides the staff there was only one other person there — a lady sitting at the next booth over. I was playing around with my Blackberry when she started talking to me.
LADY: Are you here for the show tonite?
ME: Yes I am.
LADY: Well then get up there on that stage and dance for me. I need to be entertained while I’m waiting.
Ummmmm… WHAT?!?!?
Dance? A little soft shoe, perhaps?!?!?
There was no indication that I was part of the show. And there was no hint of a smile or a joke on her face. She didn’t blink. She was dead serious. And I was livid. I gave her the big eyes and said, “Oh there will be no dancing” and then continued doing what I was doing. But after a minute or two I was so heated I had to get up and move myself over to the bar. I really wanted to hit her — not like in an imaginary dream sequence, but in living color. I was trying to figure out if there was another way I could take that, without jumping right to the fact that it was the most racist thing I’ve heard in years. But I couldn’t come up with anything.
I was sooooo angry and I wanted to address it on stage, but since no one else had witnessed it, I knew I was just gonna ruin the show for the headliner and the other 99% of the audience. The show ended up going really well for me but I still kinda felt like a punk for not getting at her. On my way back to the hotel I called my Dad, and he basically just told me to take my money and let it go. He’s had to deal with tons of racist comments being one of just a handful of black folks that worked at his company for 30+ years. And I know he was right. My job is to give a good show and get invited back. Releasing that venom definitely would have made me feel better, but it probably would have ensured that I’d never play the venue again.
I’m a bit of a hot head, and learning to pick my battles is a difficult thing for me, but when things like this happen I guess they’re just an opportunity for growth.
Exhale.
No excuse
May 16th
Apparently you think this means you can drive as crazy as you want with no consequences…
Yeah, no.
‘Cause Jesus isn’t actually in your van. So let’s learn how to use our blinkers, huh? Maybe I should get some of these stickers and put ‘church bus’ on the back of my Corolla…
Soulja Boy hurts my soul… ja
Apr 10th
So this is something I said on stage last nite that I’ve never said before. And I mean it with all my heart.
Watch. Laugh. Cry for the past. But most of all, agree.
Please and thank you.
Keep your head up, D
Apr 7th
This makes me so sad. You can see he was hurt by the trade, but he was classy as always. And he basically said I’m gonna do my best to show Philly they made a mistake — just like Dawk did. And you gotta love that. Gonna miss you, DMac!!!
Enjoy my boy, DC.
So long, old friend
Apr 5th
Wow.
This hurt. I mean it’s not like I didn’t know it was coming — I actually had a Google Alert set up to monitor the trade talks, but hearing the official word hit me hard.
Last nite I was pretty bummed. My Facebook timeline is filled with condolences and chiding. I felt like I did back when I wanted to quit 4th grade when my favorite teacher, Mrs. Ladd, went on maternity leave. But after Andy Reid’s press conference and listening to WIP 610 Sportstalk in Philly all nite and watching the ESPN reporting, I realize that they actually did the best they could by McNabb once they decided they were gonna trade him — which is waaaaaay more than I can say about the way they handled the Dawkins and Westbrooks trades. I mean offering Brian Dawkins (a captain, tested veteran, and the leader of your top-ranked defense) the same 2-year, 5-million dollar contract we gave to Michael Vick, our recently paroled, 3rd string QB experiment was just disrespectful. And notifying Brian Westbrook they were cutting him over the phone without even the courtesy of a conversation was just ugly.
It seems like in this situation Reid actually tried to get McNabb into the best situation for him considering what was out there. I’m interested to see how this intra-divisional trade thing works though. When they play each other you gotta figure no one knows McNabb and his tendencies like Andy Reid… But also no one knows the Eagles offense like McNabb, so he’s gonna be a great asset to the Washington on the defensive front too. I’m worried about the fact that there are virtually no veterans left on our team, but I feel much better about this trade today considering how badly Donovan has been treated by so many Eagles fans over the past decade.
I’m so ready for football.
AARP?… WTH?
Feb 27th
Ummm, can someone please explain to me why I got an AARP card in the mail?
No seriously, is this some kind of joke?
“Make the most of life after 50?” Yeah, I’ll be sure to do that. In 20 years.
Boo hiss. I’m so confused.
Did someone steal my identity? Who thinks I’m 50? Are they trying to tell me I need to retire? I need a drink.
Pick your battles
Jan 4th
So I went to CVS this afternoon — my first time in a store since the New Year. And for all my online complaining, I totally forgot about the city’s new shopping bag tax. I bought a quart of Listerine and a water pik and when the cashier asked me if I’d like to buy a bag, I reflexively answered, “NO!”
Because the principle of paying for bags just seems ridiculous to me. Sure I had more stores to visit and I looked like I just boosted half the oral hygiene aisle… but I was proving a point to the DC City Council (via a cashier none of them will ever meet who probably laughed her ass off when I left the store).
Exhale.
I recognize that this measure is supposed to help the city become greener and raise money for the cleanup of the Anacostia River — both good things. I just do not heart it. That being said, I’ll either be going out real soon to buy some large reusable bags or I’ll be bringing my own ‘lightly worn’ plastic bags (I’ve been stockpiling them for years) with me when I shop. Because my little protest accomplished nothing except for making me look a hot damn mess.
I’m learning to pick my battles. Haha, and there’s nothing I can do about this.
‘Other chubby singles’? Why does my computer hate me?
Nov 28th
OK, I used to work in digital marketing… I understand contextual advertising, keywords, and cookies. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t wanna throw my computer out the window when my Facebook account asks me if I would like to meet ‘other chubby singles.’
Booooooooooo.
That’s it — no more blogging about bad dates. And also no more shopping at lanebryant.com.
Your two cents