Ummm, can someone please explain to me why I got an AARP card in the mail?
No seriously, is this some kind of joke?
“Make the most of life after 50?” Yeah, I’ll be sure to do that. In 20 years.
Boo hiss. I’m so confused.
Did someone steal my identity? Who thinks I’m 50? Are they trying to tell me I need to retire? I need a drink.
Thank God people are hilarious.! Or else my job would be way harder… I posted this status update on Facebook yesterday after a visit to my local grocery store:
FYI, there was plenty o’ skim in the dairy aisle. Please check out Exhibit A:
I had a show last nite in Baltimore and I pretty much told the story as-is, and the folks there laughed… I came up with a few more punches/tags on the way home. And I’m thinking that with a little tweaking, this story could be a good candidate for the “I hope you don’t make it to the future” section of my act.
We shall see ;)
What do you think?
I’d rather attach myself to one.
I got the following e-mail in my inbox last nite:
Oooooooh, KRAZ E — sounds appealing! And for free, no less? Glad I opened it because this is my last day…
Get out of my life eHarmony.
So yeah… I told you all about my ‘experiment’ with eHarmony a few weeks ago… If you haven’t read that entry I highly recommend you do so. It’s sort of a companion piece to this one. They keep sending me matches even tho my 3 month subscription has been over. I never open the e-mails — if I had I would have seen how easy it is to stop the e-mails — but this one I had to open. Here’s what was on the inside:
Exhale…
So this website believes that I am highly compatible with a person who uses “Kraz E” as a moniker on a matching site? WORD? At first I thought maybe it was accurate because anyone who would do such a thing must also be a comedian… But then I started to get a little pissed — do they just start sending effed up matches to people who quit them? Are these just sour grape hate darts — the Internet dating site equivalent of a schoolyard dozens battle (“Yeah, well that’s why yo’ mama…”)
Fa real, eHeezy, you’d like to intoduce me to Kraz E? Well, I have no desire to learn more about this person. And certainly not NOW with an exclamation point (!) Booooo Friggin Booooo!
Kick rocks eternally.
On Friday I had my very own ‘who gon’ check me boo’ moment. I was seriously sitting in my hotel room thinking: “What ever happened to customer service?…”
Why? Check out the Facebook status below for the short version:
click image to see all the status comments
Here’s the thing: I know it was a small thing to be upset about, but my anger was borne out of the extremely poor customer service — not the fact that I didn’t have any batteries. My feet work. I could (and did) change the channel manually. But I could tell that this guy had just decided he didn’t want to help me. Because he was an asshole. And that pissed me off. This douche told me that he couldn’t swap my remote control out because if they filled the rooms that were currently unoccupied, then when those people came they wouldn’t have batteries.
WTD?!?!?!? I’M HERE NOW! What the hell do I care whether people who may or may not decide to come to your hotel have a working remote control if and when they arrive? Why aren’t you equally concerned with a customer who’s already in your establishment? Send someone up the street to the CVS and buy some. At least pretend that you’re trying to accommodate me.
I called and went out to the front desk a total of 4 times. I couldn’t believe I was even having this conversation, but I wasn’t willing to let it go. On the way to the show that nite, I told the adviser at the school that I was playing that evening what happened so he’d know how his money was being spent…
He apologized, promised he’d call them about it, and gave me some batteries to take back to the hotel.
I took them with me when I left. Continue reading ‘Dear Homestead Suites in Auburn Hills, MI: You suck. Sincerely, me’
My trip to Cincy has been absolutely delicious so far. And its only been a day. Last nite some students brought their dog to one of my college shows. The dog was called Lil Nigga. I have so much more to say about that. Stay tuned for the video blog… Then today I witnessed a fight between two rival homeless factions in Fountain Square… It started like this:
“50-cent ho. That’s why you got pregnant by yo own cousin.”
“Yo mama’s a 50-cent ho. I would kill you but I don’t need another charge.”
Of COURSE I have videotape — who do you think you’re dealing with here? I can’t wait to get home and cut together this blog.
Tomorrow I think I’m gonna go to the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center. I feel like I need to go see something historical and meaningful and inspiring to counter the ignorance I’ve seen so far. I think of it as balancing the qi.
Be back soon, E
Had a show last nite at Longwood University with my west coast bud and NBC Diversity College Tour-mate, Hasan Minhaj. Things got a little testy during Hasan’s set when a student who said she was a witch got into it with and said she “could if she wanted to” put a spell on another student (YES, REALLY…), but he recovered nicely. It was a great turnout for an early-semester Friday nite show, but then we realized that many of the students were there because it was a requirement for one of their classes.
And here I thought they came out because I was getting famous… Exhale.
I also met the Black person who shops at Abercrombie and Fitch.
I thought she was an urban legend.
All in all, a good time was had at Longwood. ‘Til next time, E
I saw this sign the other day at the cash register at the Pep Boys not far from my house:
I almost hollered when I saw this... I didn't know Black folks used the word 'tool'
Guess they don’t think so highly of Kobe Bryant in this establishment.
Pep Boys on Marlboro Pike, Forestville, MD. Please shop there.
The end.
Well, this brightened up my day… I can’t even lie.
I decided to Google to see what “Bad Date Stories” made it onto the Marie Claire website. You remember that post I did a few weeks back… Well I checked it and as I was scrolling thru the 27 Worst Date Stories article, I saw mine! They didn’t let me know but they posted it. So HOORAY!
And they did a great editing job! You can click the photo for a larger image or click the link below to view it online. I’m No. 4 of 28:
http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/bad-date-stories
This is why I love independent, alternative newspapers. No one else (not The Washington Post and CERTAINLY not The Washington Times) would run that headline/cover story. There really is no need to read any further. That headline is the thesis, body, and closing of the article all wrapped into one… And isn’t that what quality journalism is all about?
I can’t lie: I was quite shocked and thought it was a joke when my girl brought it to my attention, but I kinda love that they did this. I just might love the transcripts and recordings of ex-mayor Barry’s voicemail messages a little bit more. Geez Louise… who knew Marion Barry was that crazy? Well, besides everyone…
God bless the City Paper.
Last Tuesday I had to call a plumber out to the house to help unclog my toilet. Once he left I posted the following Facebook status update:
My dad is totally my haggling hero ;) And I knew it’d make him proud to know I was resourceful in talking the plumber down… When I told him about it, he howled and insisted I turn it into a bit. Which I did this weekend. Here’s how it turned out… Funny because it’s true. ;)
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