I couldn't make this stuff up
Nighty-Night
Aug 16th
Sometimes when I don’t want to talk to people, I pretend to fall asleep. Not drift asleep gradually — I mean fall instantly asleep. It’s a *condition* I have chosen to refer to as situational narcolepsy.
I’ve never met a narcoleptic. I don’t know much anything about narcolepsy — except that Harriet Tubman suffered from it — but when I fake it, it looks a lot like this chick from Deuce Bigalow:
Most of my SN attacks happen on airplanes — when the person seated next to me has awful breath, or just awful conversation. A few months back I was sitting in between a married couple and when I realized they were together I asked them if they’d rather sit next to each other. “No,” was their response because he preferred the window and she preferred the aisle. Fine. But then they both ordered Bloody Mary’s and proceeded to talk across me to each other with their spicy ass breath, I immediately pulled down my eye mask and zonked out. It took a few minutes but they eventually respected my ’sleep’ and shut it down.
Praise 8 lb., 6 oz newborn infant Jesus.
My latest bout with SN came yesterday on a flight from Albany GA to Atlanta. I was sitting next to what seemed like a perfectly nice dude. He ordered a Diet Coke. Fantastic. But then there was this:
GUY: So do you live in Atlanta?
ME: No, I’m actually headed home to DC.
GUY: Oh, DC? Wow. I hear they have a crazy AIDS epidemic there.
ME: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
What do you say to that? I mean really? That’s the first thing that comes to your mind when the nation’s capital is mentioned? My friend Makeda said I should have faked a paper cut or a hang nail and made a big deal out of letting the flight attendant know I needed a band-aid. Hahahahaha. I wish I thought that quick! ;)
Anyway, feel free to adopt this phrase and/or disorder. And let me know how it works for you. ;)
I hope you don’t make it to the future / T-shirt Promo — Take 2
Jul 23rd
The video above is the bit that the t-shirts I sell after my shows are based on. Some people hate them and think they’re mean. But most people think they’re awesome — especially teachers. It AMAZES me how many teachers come up to me to tell me they’re teachers before they purchase one (or more). They always tell me they can’t wait til the weekend to wear it. I always imagine them running into their students and/or their parents at the grocery store.
It makes me happy.
Either way I know there are a lot of folks out there who share my sentiment. Maybe they wouldn’t say it so directly or in public, but I see y’all out there. It’s in the eyes. I know my Dad would/will die when he sees this clip (LANGUAGE!!!) Ha ha. But there’s no other way to tell that second story.
And it’s a story that must be told.
If you’re offended by this, I’m sorry you have no sense of humor. But if you’re not offended and want your own shirt, check out the merchandise page on my site and cop yourself one. It will make you happy too.
I will put my soft shoe up in yo’ …
Jun 26th
So I had a show night before last in Lake of the Ozarks, MO. I was about an hour early for the show because I had the showtime wrong so I was hanging out in the back of the showroom and besides the staff there was only one other person there — a lady sitting at the next booth over. I was playing around with my Blackberry when she started talking to me.
LADY: Are you here for the show tonite?
ME: Yes I am.
LADY: Well then get up there on that stage and dance for me. I need to be entertained while I’m waiting.
Ummmmm… WHAT?!?!?
Dance? A little soft shoe, perhaps?!?!?
There was no indication that I was part of the show. And there was no hint of a smile or a joke on her face. She didn’t blink. She was dead serious. And I was livid. I gave her the big eyes and said, “Oh there will be no dancing” and then continued doing what I was doing. But after a minute or two I was so heated I had to get up and move myself over to the bar. I really wanted to hit her — not like in an imaginary dream sequence, but in living color. I was trying to figure out if there was another way I could take that, without jumping right to the fact that it was the most racist thing I’ve heard in years. But I couldn’t come up with anything.
I was sooooo angry and I wanted to address it on stage, but since no one else had witnessed it, I knew I was just gonna ruin the show for the headliner and the other 99% of the audience. The show ended up going really well for me but I still kinda felt like a punk for not getting at her. On my way back to the hotel I called my Dad, and he basically just told me to take my money and let it go. He’s had to deal with tons of racist comments being one of just a handful of black folks that worked at his company for 30+ years. And I know he was right. My job is to give a good show and get invited back. Releasing that venom definitely would have made me feel better, but it probably would have ensured that I’d never play the venue again.
I’m a bit of a hot head, and learning to pick my battles is a difficult thing for me, but when things like this happen I guess they’re just an opportunity for growth.
Exhale.
Stop… Hamid Time!!!
Apr 8th
My mom called me up 2 nights ago while she was watching MSNBC to ask me why Hamid Karzai “wears those Hammer pants all the time? Is that a Muslim thing?”
Ummmmm…
Pretty sure I just lost consciousness there for a second. My mom is out of control. I literally couldn’t do my job without her.
P.S. The title for this blog came from the hilarious Sheila Robinson. Thanks girl for making me laugh out loud on the regular!
AARP?… WTH?
Feb 27th
Ummm, can someone please explain to me why I got an AARP card in the mail?
No seriously, is this some kind of joke?
“Make the most of life after 50?” Yeah, I’ll be sure to do that. In 20 years.
Boo hiss. I’m so confused.
Did someone steal my identity? Who thinks I’m 50? Are they trying to tell me I need to retire? I need a drink.
From the Blog to the Stage: The Dairy Aisle
Feb 26th
Thank God people are hilarious.! Or else my job would be way harder… I posted this status update on Facebook yesterday after a visit to my local grocery store:
FYI, there was plenty o’ skim in the dairy aisle. Please check out Exhibit A:
I had a show last nite in Baltimore and I pretty much told the story as-is, and the folks there laughed… I came up with a few more punches/tags on the way home. And I’m thinking that with a little tweaking, this story could be a good candidate for the “I hope you don’t make it to the future” section of my act.
We shall see ;)
What do you think?
Erin and Kraz-E sittin’ in a tree…
Nov 23rd
I’d rather attach myself to one.
I got the following e-mail in my inbox last nite:
Oooooooh, KRAZ E — sounds appealing! And for free, no less? Glad I opened it because this is my last day…
Get out of my life eHarmony.
So yeah… I told you all about my ‘experiment’ with eHarmony a few weeks ago… If you haven’t read that entry I highly recommend you do so. It’s sort of a companion piece to this one. They keep sending me matches even tho my 3 month subscription has been over. I never open the e-mails — if I had I would have seen how easy it is to stop the e-mails — but this one I had to open. Here’s what was on the inside:
Exhale…
So this website believes that I am highly compatible with a person who uses “Kraz E” as a moniker on a matching site? WORD? At first I thought maybe it was accurate because anyone who would do such a thing must also be a comedian… But then I started to get a little pissed — do they just start sending effed up matches to people who quit them? Are these just sour grape hate darts — the Internet dating site equivalent of a schoolyard dozens battle (“Yeah, well that’s why yo’ mama…”)
Fa real, eHeezy, you’d like to intoduce me to Kraz E? Well, I have no desire to learn more about this person. And certainly not NOW with an exclamation point (!) Booooo Friggin Booooo!
Kick rocks eternally.
Dear Homestead Suites in Auburn Hills, MI: You suck. Sincerely, me
Nov 16th
On Friday I had my very own ‘who gon’ check me boo’ moment. I was seriously sitting in my hotel room thinking: “What ever happened to customer service?…”
Why? Check out the Facebook status below for the short version:
click image to see all the status comments
Here’s the thing: I know it was a small thing to be upset about, but my anger was borne out of the extremely poor customer service — not the fact that I didn’t have any batteries. My feet work. I could (and did) change the channel manually. But I could tell that this guy had just decided he didn’t want to help me. Because he was an asshole. And that pissed me off. This douche told me that he couldn’t swap my remote control out because if they filled the rooms that were currently unoccupied, then when those people came they wouldn’t have batteries.
WTD?!?!?!? I’M HERE NOW! What the hell do I care whether people who may or may not decide to come to your hotel have a working remote control if and when they arrive? Why aren’t you equally concerned with a customer who’s already in your establishment? Send someone up the street to the CVS and buy some. At least pretend that you’re trying to accommodate me.
I called and went out to the front desk a total of 4 times. I couldn’t believe I was even having this conversation, but I wasn’t willing to let it go. On the way to the show that nite, I told the adviser at the school that I was playing that evening what happened so he’d know how his money was being spent…
He apologized, promised he’d call them about it, and gave me some batteries to take back to the hotel.
I took them with me when I left. More >
Balancing the Qi in Cincinnati — sung to the tune of the WKRP theme song
Sep 16th
My trip to Cincy has been absolutely delicious so far. And its only been a day. Last nite some students brought their dog to one of my college shows. The dog was called Lil Nigga. I have so much more to say about that. Stay tuned for the video blog… Then today I witnessed a fight between two rival homeless factions in Fountain Square… It started like this:
“50-cent ho. That’s why you got pregnant by yo own cousin.”
“Yo mama’s a 50-cent ho. I would kill you but I don’t need another charge.”
Of COURSE I have videotape — who do you think you’re dealing with here? I can’t wait to get home and cut together this blog.
Tomorrow I think I’m gonna go to the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center. I feel like I need to go see something historical and meaningful and inspiring to counter the ignorance I’ve seen so far. I think of it as balancing the qi.
Be back soon, E
I’m required coursework, and also I met a witch
Aug 29th
Had a show last nite at Longwood University with my west coast bud and NBC Diversity College Tour-mate, Hasan Minhaj. Things got a little testy during Hasan’s set when a student who said she was a witch got into it with and said she “could if she wanted to” put a spell on another student (YES, REALLY…), but he recovered nicely. It was a great turnout for an early-semester Friday nite show, but then we realized that many of the students were there because it was a requirement for one of their classes.
And here I thought they came out because I was getting famous… Exhale.
I also met the Black person who shops at Abercrombie and Fitch.
I thought she was an urban legend.
All in all, a good time was had at Longwood. ‘Til next time, E
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