BOOOOOO!
I hope you don’t make it to the future / T-shirt Promo — Take 2
Jul 23rd
The video above is the bit that the t-shirts I sell after my shows are based on. Some people hate them and think they’re mean. But most people think they’re awesome — especially teachers. It AMAZES me how many teachers come up to me to tell me they’re teachers before they purchase one (or more). They always tell me they can’t wait til the weekend to wear it. I always imagine them running into their students and/or their parents at the grocery store.
It makes me happy.
Either way I know there are a lot of folks out there who share my sentiment. Maybe they wouldn’t say it so directly or in public, but I see y’all out there. It’s in the eyes. I know my Dad would/will die when he sees this clip (LANGUAGE!!!) Ha ha. But there’s no other way to tell that second story.
And it’s a story that must be told.
If you’re offended by this, I’m sorry you have no sense of humor. But if you’re not offended and want your own shirt, check out the merchandise page on my site and cop yourself one. It will make you happy too.
California, casinos and biological clocks
Jul 19th
photo by Joey Fink
I’m in Temecula, California right now working at The Comedy Club at Pechanga with my good buddy Vince Morris and the very funny Keith Bender. I hadn’t worked with Vince in over a year so we had a ball, plus we had great shows all week! The club was in a casino and I was super proud of myself for pretending that wasn’t the case. I’m a sucker for roulette and dollar slots. I’ve been doing a lot more material lately on my tragic relationship history and it’s been going over pretty well. The stuff about my mom pressuring me to have kids seems to resonate with a lot of folks — so much so that after our last show of the week, a woman came up to me to talk to me about my biological clock:
LADY: You need to hurry up and have a baby.
MY EYES: You need to hurry up and pay for this t-shirt.
Then she told me how old she was when she had her kid, and that I still had a couple years… EXHALE. I guess it’s nice that people identify with the act and feel comfortable enough with me after a show to come up and talk about my life. But I had just finished talking about how badly I hate it when my mom gets on me about the babies, so why would this woman I didn’t know think I wanted to hear it from her? Sheesh, I sure hope I have more than a couple years left, because at this point I have no idea where a baby would fit.
Maybe in my carry-on?
No shoes, No shirt, No college
Jun 29th
Prior to becoming a comic I worked in higher education for about 8 years — at two different universities and later, a newspaper that covered the higher-ed industry. During that time, I saw the popularity of online degree and certificate programs skyrocket. A great option for non-traditional students, their pitch used to be ‘flexible scheduling for parents and working professionals.’ Now, apparently it’s devolved into ‘you can go to school in your pajamas.’
I Go to School In My Pajamas! Distance Learning Education – The funniest videos clips are here
This is nothing if not a testament to how lazy we’ve become as a country. And I can’t help but feel that if getting dressed is what was preventing you from completing your degree, maybe college isn’t for you. I mean really, is there anyone out there like, “Man, I really want to become a lawyer and help level the playing field and fight the many injustices in this world… Wait. What? I have to wear pants? Awww, nah then… I’m good on that.”
Doubt it.
Pick your battles
Jan 4th
So I went to CVS this afternoon — my first time in a store since the New Year. And for all my online complaining, I totally forgot about the city’s new shopping bag tax. I bought a quart of Listerine and a water pik and when the cashier asked me if I’d like to buy a bag, I reflexively answered, “NO!”
Because the principle of paying for bags just seems ridiculous to me. Sure I had more stores to visit and I looked like I just boosted half the oral hygiene aisle… but I was proving a point to the DC City Council (via a cashier none of them will ever meet who probably laughed her ass off when I left the store).
Exhale.
I recognize that this measure is supposed to help the city become greener and raise money for the cleanup of the Anacostia River — both good things. I just do not heart it. That being said, I’ll either be going out real soon to buy some large reusable bags or I’ll be bringing my own ‘lightly worn’ plastic bags (I’ve been stockpiling them for years) with me when I shop. Because my little protest accomplished nothing except for making me look a hot damn mess.
I’m learning to pick my battles. Haha, and there’s nothing I can do about this.
‘Other chubby singles’? Why does my computer hate me?
Nov 28th
OK, I used to work in digital marketing… I understand contextual advertising, keywords, and cookies. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t wanna throw my computer out the window when my Facebook account asks me if I would like to meet ‘other chubby singles.’
Booooooooooo.
That’s it — no more blogging about bad dates. And also no more shopping at lanebryant.com.
Dear Homestead Suites in Auburn Hills, MI: You suck. Sincerely, me
Nov 16th
On Friday I had my very own ‘who gon’ check me boo’ moment. I was seriously sitting in my hotel room thinking: “What ever happened to customer service?…”
Why? Check out the Facebook status below for the short version:
click image to see all the status comments
Here’s the thing: I know it was a small thing to be upset about, but my anger was borne out of the extremely poor customer service — not the fact that I didn’t have any batteries. My feet work. I could (and did) change the channel manually. But I could tell that this guy had just decided he didn’t want to help me. Because he was an asshole. And that pissed me off. This douche told me that he couldn’t swap my remote control out because if they filled the rooms that were currently unoccupied, then when those people came they wouldn’t have batteries.
WTD?!?!?!? I’M HERE NOW! What the hell do I care whether people who may or may not decide to come to your hotel have a working remote control if and when they arrive? Why aren’t you equally concerned with a customer who’s already in your establishment? Send someone up the street to the CVS and buy some. At least pretend that you’re trying to accommodate me.
I called and went out to the front desk a total of 4 times. I couldn’t believe I was even having this conversation, but I wasn’t willing to let it go. On the way to the show that nite, I told the adviser at the school that I was playing that evening what happened so he’d know how his money was being spent…
He apologized, promised he’d call them about it, and gave me some batteries to take back to the hotel.
I took them with me when I left. More >
Good Times: Aren’t we lucky we have them?
Apr 14th
Yeah so I’m cold.
Why don’t you turn on the heat, Erin?
Good question.
The answer: Because I can’t. My condo was refurbished from an old apartment building, so while it’s super cute and all the appliances were new when I moved in, I don’t have central air/heat. We have window units and radiators…
So just open the radiator, Erin.
Again, good suggestion.
My response: I could do that, but no heat would come out. A few weeks ago after a brief warm spell our property management company turned off the heat for the spring. And we can’t turn it on again because we were robbed by our previous property management company and as of right now are working on suing them and replenishing the reserve money they stole from us. In short, we cannot currently afford to turn the heat back on.
Yes, that is very project-ish — especially considering I pay a mortgage and association fees… I should not have to sit in my house with my oven open…
But I’m doing it. And don’t you dare judge me… I’ll clean my oven when I thaw out.
Sure the hat and scarf may be a little overly dramatic — but that’s what I do.
There are other factors contributing to my freezing my butt off and this cold I can’t get rid of. Reasons I won’t get into here. But I have a neighbors who are sick and many of us are wearing full-on winter outfits around the house and to bed (don’t worry about how I know ;). I have to go into the studio tonight and shoot 3 radio segments — I can’t breathe through my nose and I sound like crap. I know I sound like I’m whining, and I don’t mean it to come off that way. I was going more for PISSED OFF!!! Thank goodness for my Snuggies –Â and the fact that my place isn’t very big. When I cook in the summer I often complain about how hot the place gets. Today there are no complaints.
My upstairs neighbor Rafeal laughed at me last week when I told him about my oven warming. He said he hadn’t heard about anyone doing that in years. Sure, I feel like I climbed right out of an episode of Good Times…
(Just looking outta the window…)
But it gets the job done.
Pissed, cold and congested,
E.
Facebook status gets Eagles employee fired — ain’t that some ish?
Mar 10th
My boy Kenny sent me this article yesterday. I hadn’t heard about it. Crazy. What ever happened to the first amendment? I posted something very similar on my Facebook page and in this blog. What? Y’all gonna ban me from attending games this season–if I can even bear to?…
I hope dude lawyered up. Cause I’m sure this is illegal–or at least I hope it is. Maybe they sign some kind of contract or something when they’re hired to work at the stadium?!?… All I’m saying is you shouldn’t be able to fire someone for being a fan and loving your team so much they want to work for you. Disappointment is only natural when the real backbone, the captain of your team is so beloved in the city and still playing at such a high level. Gimme a break, Philly. You are trying my patience. Whatever y’all are trying to put together, it better be good. Really, really good.
From ESPN.com
A Facebook post criticizing his employer, the Philadelphia Eagles, cost a stadium operations worker his job, according to a story in Monday’s Philadelphia Inquirer. More >
Are you there, God? It’s me, EJ
Mar 7th
I do not understand this.
What kind of God would allow this to happen? My faith in the inherent goodness of humanity has been shaken. It’s been a week and I just do not understand this. I’m having a hard time putting this post in the ‘GO EAGLES‘ category.
This is my protest. B Dawk forever!!!
Hooray for trading away the heart and soul of the franchise. Way to go!
BARTENDER!?!?!!!!!!
Etta James done lost her damn mind…
Feb 5th
Etta trying to drum up buzz for her Beyonce/Barack diss album
***Etta James talking greasy (Listen)***
In case you haven’t heard this yet, Etta James was talking mad smack about President Obama and Beyonce. What is this old chick thinking? Barack isn’t her president? Kicking Beyonce’s ass? Etta you’re 71. “The bucket” is the only damn thing you’re gonna be kicking… Guess she’s just salty because she didn’t get to sing at the inaugural balls.
I love how classy Beyonce is in not making a statement. I have a girl-crush on her. Talk about ungrateful… If Beyonce hadn’t just played her in Cadillac Records, Etta James would just be another utterly irrelevant “sayer of nay” right now (shout to Michael S. ;)
In the words of the great philosopher Jill Scott, “Hate on hater.”
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