Doesn’t mean you’re friends in real life. Or maybe you throw crappy parties. Either way, take a hint.
Saw this today on Passiveaggressivenotes.com:
Archive for the 'AWWWK-ward' Category
It’s true.
I know cause I sent my mom the link to my Live at Gotham preview (http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=167549) the other day, and she never responded to the e-mail. Her only daughter on TV… almost… and she has no comment. Strange-o, huh?
I thought so, so I called her and was like, “Hey, Ma. Did you watch that video clip I sent you?” And she said, “Yes.” And I said, “Well what did you think?” And she says, “Who did your makeup? It looked good.”
Ummm… was that an answer to the question? Me thinks not.
So then I said, “They had professional makeup people there. What did you think of the clip, though?” And then she said, “They liked it.” Of course since you were not privy to her tone, I feel the need to clarify that ‘they’ is a reference to the club full of heathens that laughed at a joke about me not having sex and the virgin birth.
Whatevs, Ma. You gotta loosen up.
Her selective prudishness cracks me up sometimes… That’s why I took complete pleasure in catching her off guard this afternoon. I got my tax stimulus check in the mail and called to tell her (I was under the assumption that I wasn’t gonna get one at all). Here’s how the conversation went:
Me: Guess what, Ma?
My Ma: What?
Me: I got stimulated
My Ma (almost inaudibly): Oh… OK. By what…?
Me: Haha… I mean I got my tax stimulus check from the IRS.
My Ma: Oh good, because I didn’t know how to respond to that.
I heart her. THE END
Alright, so all comics — all people for that matter — have their own neuroses. Anyone that knows me even casually is probably pretty aware that I am not a fan of unsolicited or unwarranted hugging, European cheek kissing, etc. In fact ‘not a fan of’ is really an understatement.
I absolutely hate it.
A lot of people assume it’s because I’m a germaphobe or something. But that’s not the case at all. I just think hugging is a really intimate a gesture. I used to do a bit about how I reserve hugs for people I’m dating and really special occasions — when I see people I haven’t seen in a really long time. Like if I saw my grandmother, I’d hug her because she passed away in 1993 and reincarnation is a legitimately hugworthy event . Blah, blah, blah. There was more to it and it was only moderately funny, but I loved the bit because I felt like I was being really honest about something that really bugs me that I think a lot of people could identify with, but apparently it just made me seem like an icy jerk.
People would come up to me after the show and say stuff like, “Well, I really enjoyed your show. But I’m NOT gonna hug you…” Real snarky-like. As if they were punishing me. And I’d always be thinking GREAT!!! Cause in case you missed it, NOT hugging me is exactly what I want for you to do.
(I mean, scientifically, has not hitting the bitch achieved the desired result?)
Please pardon my A.D.D. That last sentence just reminded me of this episode…
But back to the point. Why would you even think a hug is the appropriate gesture for this situation anyway?
“Hey, I really think you’re funny. Now let’s rub our boobs together.”
Why?
A couple of weeks ago I went out to help my friend Dawan celebrate his birthday, and he and a few other folks thought it would be cute to take a series of photos where people were trying to hug me or put me in semi-headlocks. And you know what? It WAS cute.
Please read the irony.
Right about here I was thinking, “If it wasn’t your birthday I’d probably try to fight you. And you with the camera, Walk home.”
I hated every second of it. My mom says I was like that even as a kid. I’m sure I should probably be in therapy somewhere… But until I can find a therapist who accepts CVS Extra Care Bucks for payment, I’m gonna need y’all to stop it.
John that means you ;)
I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed this.
Every nite around 6-ish I tune into MSNBC for David Gregory’s show, Hardball with Chris and Countdown with Keith. I can’t stand Dan Abrams’ show so I’m tuning out by 9. My mom has the same schedule as we are liberal news fiends.
Tonite though, I was on my cellphone with my friend Herbie when Hardball came on and I was shocked and awed by Chris Matthews’ new dye job. At first I was like something’s different about him… And when I finally realized what it was I couldn’t even concentrate on what Herbie was talking about. I asked him to hold on so I could call my mom on the house phone to see if she was witnessing what I was, and she was like “Oh really he changed it? I didn’t notice.”
Didn’t notice?
Her nonchalance prompted me to Google the following phrase “Chris Matthews dye hair.“ I saw that the Huffington Post crew had posted about it, and I felt vindicated.
This made me think of the time a girlfriend of mine in high school got her moustache airbrushed out of her graduation photos. She’s a cute girl, but she’s had a mustache as long as I’ve known her. And I remember when we got our pictures a bunch of us were standing around and I saw hers and was like ”Wow, these are gorgeous! You look amazing! But there’s something different about you. I mean it looks like you, but it looks different too…” I clearly went on too long. It took another friend nudging me and gesturing to her upper lip for me to realize that I’d put my foot in my mouth. BUT, I do blame her too. She knew damn well her face looked empty. We all know she has a moustache. She could have just said something. She knew what I was thinking.
Anyway, back to Chris… The hair is not so bad I guess. I just think its funny that he would go there. Usually people who dye their hair do it gradually as they go grey to retain the color they had. But Chris went all the way white and then started dyeing. That’s bold. And unnecessary. I mean, don’t you like have to be grey to be considered a credible news anchor? Anderson Cooper, Wolf Blitzer, Lou Dobbs — (insert sardonic smirk).
Anyway, I’m rambling. Do your thing CM. Whatever floats it for you is alright with me. I just hope you didn’t think you could spring this on us without us noticing.
Pt. I
Yeah, so I was in Jackson, Michigan over the weekend–not to be confused with Jackson, Mississippi. At all. Ever. Jackson, Michigan is the birthplace of the Republican Party… and the birthplace of Tony Dungy. Right… Anyway, I was performing at a country club, which turned out to be a pretty sweet gig. The audience was cool — nice mix of young rich people and old rich people. But they were all rich. Or rich as far as I’m concerned. Haha… I was doing a bit where I talk about looking at my checking account balance online and seeing parentheses around the number and initially thinking, “Oh how cute, they put a smiley face by my account balance!” and then realizing that it meant I was in the negative… And when I hit the punch I got nothing. Not so much as a chuckle. Until I explained the joke. “See parentheses mean you’re poor. You’ve heard of poor, right?”
Comedy Rule #1: Know your audience.
OK… so my friend Keisha and I went out to this bar/lounge last nite for the launch of this new Wednesday nite hot spot (hopefully) in downtown D.C. My friend Ra helped to promote it and I hadn’t been out in D.C. for a while, so I told him sure I’ll come.
While we were there I ran into a girl I’m friendly with and know socially–she seems like a very cool girl, but we’ve never actually hung out. Keisha and I were at the bar batting our eyelashes in hopes that men would buy us drinks–like any self-respecting women would do–and we were talking with this young lady. Anyway… to make a long story short, it was a Wednesday nite so I didn’t feel like staying out too late and the three of us all decided to leave at the same time. But as we were walking out of the door and saying our good nites, she slapped me on the butt.
?
I was so shocked I just kept walking and didn’t tell Keish til we got down the block what had happened. Is that what’s poppin’ in the streets, now? Ladies, are we just going around slapping each other on the butts like we just won the pennant?
I know she and I have had conversations about guys in the past, so I know she’s not gay. Maybe she thought I’d be cool with that. Maybe that’s how she and her friends say “Peace.” Or maybe… maybe… maybe?
Whatever the reason I was uncomfortable all the way home wondering if I should have addressed it, so that it wouldn’t be awkward the next time we see each other, or wondering whether other people saw the little exchange and my non-response led her and/or them to believe I was OK with it… I dunno. Weird-o nite indeed.
“I jacked it up but I couldn’t get the nut off. I don’t know why. I’m usually really good at it.”
I said this to my old boss a few years ago. I was explaining that I was late because I had problems changing a flat tire. I didn’t realize why she was blushing until a while after I’d walked away. Sometimes life is funnier than any joke you can write.
Random memory on a slow blog day. You’re welcome.
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