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Thank God people are hilarious.! Or else my job would be way harder… I posted this status update on Facebook yesterday after a visit to my local grocery store:
FYI, there was plenty o’ skim in the dairy aisle. Please check out Exhibit A:
I had a show last nite in Baltimore and I pretty much told the story as-is, and the folks there laughed… I came up with a few more punches/tags on the way home. And I’m thinking that with a little tweaking, this story could be a good candidate for the “I hope you don’t make it to the future” section of my act.
We shall see ;)
What do you think?
So I just got home from a road trip which covered several events and cities, not the least of which was my visit to Raleigh, NC to open for Bill Maher at the tapings for his latest HBO special. The photo above is me in Raleigh on my way from the hotel to the Progress Energy Center — the venue for the shows. Yaaaaay!
The venue was gorgeous and seated about 2,300.
By far the largest venue I’ve ever performed in, it was imposing while it was empty. You can’t even see the wings to the left and right. When it was full it was one of the best feelings in the world. When I walked out on stage I actually closed my eyes for a few seconds and imagined all the people were there to see me… Some day I hope. The HBO folks were nice enough to make me a recording of one of the shows. They edited it multi-camera as if it were my special too. It looks awesome. Clips to come for sure.
These ladies were the models underneath the burkas in the fashion show at the end of the special.
And this is me with the man.
We chatted maybe once or twice but being the huge fan that I am, it was certainly enough. I know how I can be before just before I get up at a regular show. I can only imagine the adrenaline, excitement, and even nerves that must be stirring when you’re taping a live HBO special. He was very nice. I’ve been going through a really tough time these past few months. And when I got home last nite I rushed to download these photos because I needed to remind myself why I sacrifice to do what I do. It’s almost like each of them is saying, “Hey, EJ don’t be discouraged. Look at all the wonderful opportunities you’ve been blessed with. And look what’s possible if you continue to work hard.”
Exactly what I needed. Have a great week, guys.
I know I’ve been a lazy blogger but the last two weeks have literally been a blur. After digging my car out of the remnants of Snowpocalypse 2010, I drove down a day early to Raleigh to make sure I didn’t miss my Bill Maher shows. On the Sunday morning after the special aired I drove from Raleigh to Altoona, PA for a Valentine’s Day show. Then on the 15th I woke up at the buttcrack of dawn and drove from Altoona to Baltimore so I could catch a flight to San Antonio. I was there for one night and the next morning had to fly to Atlanta.
Which brings me to the reason for this post. I overslept and missed my first flight into ATL and had to take a later flight. Then when I finally got into the ATL airport, the airtrain that takes you to the rental car facility was broken and I and about a hundred plus other people had to wait nearly 50 minutes to get to the facility.
All I wanted to do was get to a bed and I didn’t know if I was gonna even be able to stand on my feet any longer. But then I saw this:
The most awesome pair of Maurice Malone overalls ever stitched.
And my day was immediately brightened. These jeans gave me energy. Where did he find them? Or better yet, what made him keep them so long? And how does he access the goodies he puts in the pouch? Getting undressed to get to your cell phone seems a little inconvenient… I wondered (almost aloud — I was kinda delirious ;) whether the pouch on the back was considered an additional carry-on. ‘Cause somehow it doesn’t seem fair that he should be allowed that AND a laptop bag. I thought I would share so these jeans could brighten your day too.
You’re welcome.
I can’t even believe I did this.
This week I’m at the APCA National Programming Conference in ATL where college and university student planning boards and student activities directors come to watch comedians, musicians, magicians, speakers, and (for lack of a better word) novelty acts showcase and then (hopefully) book them to appear at their schools throughout the year.
Well, there was this one booth near my agency’s booth that had all these exotic animals, an armadillo, a little monkey, a really cool bird, and Jake — just to name a few. I’ve always been frightened to death of anything slithery or creepy crawly, but some of the students from one of the schools were playing with it and taking photos and I let them gas me into putting it around my neck. I didn’t want to hold his head but the handler said that if I didn’t hold his head he’d bite me. I knew he was just rying to scare me, but why chance that, right? So I grabbed his neck.
Do snakes even have necks?
My friend Odyssey said right off the bat that I looked uncomfortable like “GET THIS THING THE HELL OFF OF ME” and he’s not wrong. ;) I tried to smile… I sent this to my mom’s cell phone and she actually got angry with me. “Why would you do this? Why would you send it to me? I’m deleting this. You better not send this to your father.
Sheesh, Ma… Chill. Well, my something new for this week has certainly been taken care of.
On my way to Juniata College in PA for a show and I got turned around just outside of Amish country. My GPS took me through a cemetary by mistake. Just passed a sign for ‘Fourth Street.’ And I think it might just be the fourth street.
Ever made.
My new favorite street sign.
They weren’t kidding…
I had to drive a 25-mile stretch where the speed limit was about 35 and I kept getting stuck behind horse-drawn carriages. I don’t wanna poke fun at anyone’s culture, but being Amish requires a level of dedication I just don’t possess. I respect it. I just don’t got it.
So I went to CVS this afternoon — my first time in a store since the New Year. And for all my online complaining, I totally forgot about the city’s new shopping bag tax. I bought a quart of Listerine and a water pik and when the cashier asked me if I’d like to buy a bag, I reflexively answered, “NO!”
Because the principle of paying for bags just seems ridiculous to me. Sure I had more stores to visit and I looked like I just boosted half the oral hygiene aisle… but I was proving a point to the DC City Council (via a cashier none of them will ever meet who probably laughed her ass off when I left the store).
Exhale.
I recognize that this measure is supposed to help the city become greener and raise money for the cleanup of the Anacostia River — both good things. I just do not heart it. That being said, I’ll either be going out real soon to buy some large reusable bags or I’ll be bringing my own ‘lightly worn’ plastic bags (I’ve been stockpiling them for years) with me when I shop. Because my little protest accomplished nothing except for making me look a hot damn mess.
I’m learning to pick my battles. Haha, and there’s nothing I can do about this.
On Wednesday I took my car to the Black-owned car wash/detailing spot not far from my house. And on the wall inside the building (where you can stand to watch your car go thru the brushes) there were a series of photos and posters commemorating great Black leaders… Cool, right?
The first photo was of Nelson Mandela:
The next photo was of Dr. King:
The next was a poster listing some of the major contributors and pioneers of the Harlem Renaissance:
And last but certainly not least… Continue reading ‘Great leaders in Black history? (Snarf…)‘
Don’t you dare judge me!
I love taking Santa photos at Christmastime. They’re my absolute fav! Some folks think I’m too old for it, but we call those folks HATERS! So with the help of my mom I dug up a few of my faves thru the years. Enjoy! And FYI, I’m already braced for all the jokes about the glasses and the Jheri curl — so bring it!!!
This is me and my homie Brown Santa in ‘09:
For real you guys, he said he’s gonna try and make one of my shows this week! If Brown Santa shows up at the Improv, I. Will. Pass. Out.
Continue reading ‘EJ and Santa thru the years…’
So I went to visit Auntie’s Baby and family for Thanksgiving. Yaaaaaaay! I knew that he wouldn’t remember me because it’s been so long since I’ve seen him so I figured I’d have to come bearing gifts — you know, to speed up the bonding process. ;)
But what to get him? Well, I had to think about what I already know about sir Roman. He likes airplanes for sure (you gotta watch this)…
Roman on the train tracks with Thomas -- isn't he great???
And I know he has a new fascination with trains — Thomas the Train in particular. I finally decided on something we could all enjoy and that his mommy and daddy wouldn’t get mad at me for sending. So I sent a Thomas the Train-themed Edible Arrangement — YUM!!! It came with Thomas the Train balloons and a TT container that could later be used to house all his other Thomas the Train paraphernalia — he has at least 1 or 2 Thomas toys on his person at all times.
Thomas was a hit! Roman especially liked the pineapples that were cut into the shapes of stars and the number “1.” But his favorite thing I think was to let the helium balloon fly up to the ceiling and then ask one of us adults to get it for him… You can’t help but indulge kids with things like that b/c it makes them so happy! I love it. Once he assessed that Auntie Erin was cool, we really began to bond. We went swinging at the park and we [read: I] made up a new song about Thomas and Percy and he sang it with me (and a couple times on his own) over the course of the weekend. AND rumor has it on Saturday when he woke up and I wasn’t there, he was walking thru the house calling for me.
Yesssssss! Way to leave ‘em wanting more! ;) Haha… probably won’t be able to see him again until February but now that he’s older he should remember all the fun we had. Hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving as well! Later, EJ
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