Archive for March, 2009
Tina Turner blessed me with Holy Water in a greenhouse
Mar 14th
Comedy at a crab picking? … Check.
Comedy in a synagogue? … Check.
Guess I can cross Comedy in a greenhouse off my bucket list too!
Exhale… I love my job.
Greenstreet Gardens Center, Lothian, MD
I did a private show last nite just outside Washington at a garden center called Greenstreet Gardens. It’s a straight shot – maybe 30 minutes – from my house but it almost seemed like a different world. Driving up from the street all I saw was the huge greenhouse in the back. But they also have a super-cute gift shop in the front — I would totally go back and patronize them. I bought a soy candle with a cranberry scent… It’s heavenly. I’m burning it right now. YUM! But anyway back to the story — the staff was having a Ladies Night appreciation event for their customers and so they had it catered with good food and wine and I was the entertainment.
Nice digs!
They rented a stage and a curtain and a sound system for me and put it in the greenhouse. Awwww…
The "What's in your purse?" scorecard.
And what would any ladies nite be without the “What’s in your purse?” game… Any woman reading this post has probably played this game at a shower of some sort… If you’re not familiar, here’s how it goes: The host will pass out a sheet with a list of items ranging from “normal” (lipstick, powder) to “no freakin’ way” (pliers, a screwdriver) and there’s a point value associated with every item. And basically the person with the most items on the list in their purse wins a prize.
Well this game was going along just like any other I’d participated in. There was a prize for the winner of each item category and a grand prize winner as well. But then there was a twist at the end. The host for the evening asked which guest thought she had the most outrageous item in her purse and said there would be a prize for the winner. And I was thinking: How do you judge that? There’s no point system for that… More >
The pitbull, 911 and my E! THS
Mar 11th
I pulled up in front of my building the other day and noticed a dog pacing back and forth in front of my building and the two houses on either side. Then it crossed the street and sat on another neighbor’s porch for a while… It didn’t have a collar or a person attached to it so I decided to wait in my car until it was far enough down the street for me to make it safely to my building.
At first glance, I thought it was a doberman. But when it got closer to my car I realized it was a pitbull — or some kind of pitbull mix (I’m no good at animals). YIKES!
Pretty, but scary...
I eventually made a run for it. A few of my neighbors were on their porch in captivity as well, so as soon as I got inside my gate I called 911, who then put me through to Animal Control. In hindsight, I wish I had played it up a bit and been more hysterical. Because they tape those things and I mean, really… how often do you get the chance to legitimately call 911? It could have been great material for my E! True Hollywood Story.
Talk about a missed opportunity.
Facebook status gets Eagles employee fired — ain’t that some ish?
Mar 10th
My boy Kenny sent me this article yesterday. I hadn’t heard about it. Crazy. What ever happened to the first amendment? I posted something very similar on my Facebook page and in this blog. What? Y’all gonna ban me from attending games this season–if I can even bear to?…
I hope dude lawyered up. Cause I’m sure this is illegal–or at least I hope it is. Maybe they sign some kind of contract or something when they’re hired to work at the stadium?!?… All I’m saying is you shouldn’t be able to fire someone for being a fan and loving your team so much they want to work for you. Disappointment is only natural when the real backbone, the captain of your team is so beloved in the city and still playing at such a high level. Gimme a break, Philly. You are trying my patience. Whatever y’all are trying to put together, it better be good. Really, really good.
From ESPN.com
A Facebook post criticizing his employer, the Philadelphia Eagles, cost a stadium operations worker his job, according to a story in Monday’s Philadelphia Inquirer. More >
A great headliner and an apologetic heckler
Mar 8th
This weekend I was working in DC again with bud Justin Schlegel and headliner John Pinette. And we had a blast! The shows were great, and John was one of the funniest and NICEST headliners I’ve ever worked with. I really hope we get to work together again.
Me with John Pinette
I love working at the Improv in DC. I’m just as comfortable there as I am at my own house. Seriously. The managers and the staff are like family. I heart them. Here are a couple photos of me and some of my “cousins” ;)
Me and Cousin Skippy
Me and my cousin Lu... We're really close ;)
Audience member Don was nice enough to send me this photo of me and Justin with his crew. They were fun and I hope they’ll come out to another show!
Don and his gang -- Please notice the hand/head action here. He said he was trying to stop the flash from bouncing off his head... Hilarious!
Haha, during the early show on Saturday I had a very cordial heckler that made me “Tee hee” ;) Check it out below:
Haha, fun times!
Are you there, God? It’s me, EJ
Mar 7th
I do not understand this.
What kind of God would allow this to happen? My faith in the inherent goodness of humanity has been shaken. It’s been a week and I just do not understand this. I’m having a hard time putting this post in the ‘GO EAGLES‘ category.
This is my protest. B Dawk forever!!!
Hooray for trading away the heart and soul of the franchise. Way to go!
BARTENDER!?!?!!!!!!
Best TV theme song ever!
Mar 6th
I don’t know how many of y’all would remember this theme song… Shoot, I doubt most of you even remember the show, but Damon Wayans had a TV show about 10 years ago called “Damon” and he was a detective… Yeah. The show was terrible, I’m sure it didn’t even last an entire season. But it had the best theme song ever for a TV show ever. And every now and then it pops into my head… I was trying to get my boy to remember it but he didn’t… So I dug and dug and found it online.
So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the theme song to “Damon” as voiced by the lovely and talented Ms. Erykah Badu:
And yes, in case there’s any confusion… the lyrics to that song were: It’s Damon’s show. It’s not your show. It’s Damon’s show. It’s not your show.
HA! Now get up off the floor. Damn I love the Internet.
Me on the Jack Diamond Morning Show – MIX 107.3FM, Washington DC
Mar 6th
This morning I was a guest on the Jack Diamond Morning Show’s “Free For All Fridays.” Fun times! It’s always fun being in-studio with the crew… ALTHOUGH… Jack is suspiciously ‘on vacation’ every time I visit the show. I’m trying not to take it personally… I really am. But this is doing nothing for my self esteem. ;) We talked about that at the top of the break but they edited the clip down some.
They plugged my upcoming headline date at the DC Improv… but it’s not t’il the week of July 4 so there’s still a little time to make reservations ;) Of course you could just go ahead and get your tickets now ;) Plan ahead some… haha but it’s totally up to you ;)
What’s your excuse, Kanye?
Mar 6th
I’m just sayin’…
Levar Burton came up in the 80’s and 90’s and his hairstyle was appropriate for the character he played. What exactly is your excuse, Kanye? Really… this afro-mullet/I’m-different-please-someone-pay-attention-to-me thing has got to go… I recognize this comparison may have been funnier if I could have found a photo of Kanye with the ‘frullet’ and those ghastly white plastic mini-blind shades. That would have been perfection.
I guess.
Happy Friday y’all.
I may be an ass… but you have awful taste
Mar 3rd
So I was at Macy’s shopping with one of my girlfriends about a week ago and she was pushing me to try on a hideous dress I knew I was gonna hate. I told her I didn’t want to waste my time, but she kept saying, “Oh E, it’s gonna look better on. I’m telling you that hanger just isn’t doing anything for it…”
Needless to say she punked me into it. I had her wait out by the three-way mirror and I was just talking ish the whole time I was trying to get it zipped and buttoned up:“Ugh, this dress is so ugly… Why the hell did you make me try this on?… You would never wear any shit like this… Who would BUY this piece of crap?”
You name it, I probably said it. She wanted me to come out and show her and I kept on… “Alright, but there better not be anyone else out there. I don’t even want to be seen in a dressing room wearing this thing.” She assured me there was no one else out there, but as I was opening the door to my dressing room, the door directly across from me opens at the same time, and the woman is standing there right in front of me wearing the dress I’ve been bashing out loud for the past 5 minutes…
Yeah.
AWWWK-WARD…
This stuff doesn’t happen to other people, does it? No, really… I couldn’t even look up. But I could tell she was staring dead at me. It was the most ashamed I’ve been of myself in years…
I don’t know if that lady bought the dress — I didn’t stick around to find out — but me and my big mouth have totally learned our lesson. I know this is gonna sound hella self-centered but sometimes it totally slips my mind that there are other people in the world… Well, I plan on taking this to the stage. So hopefully it will have been a worthwhile experience on more than one front.
Ugly Michael Kors dress lady, if you’re reading… I’m sorry for being an ass. But if we’re honest with ourselves I think all three of us will admit that dress was herblistenous… So, in a weird roundabout way, I kinda did you a favor… Yeah.
You’re welcome.
My first gold tooth a.k.a. I hate my dentist
Mar 2nd
So it’s taken a while — partly because I’m broke and partly because I have a very popular dentist — but I recently finished getting a crown on a molar I broke last year while eating a piece of popcorn. You may or may not remember this poignant haiku…
It ended up costing way more than $600. And the first temporary fell out twice — once while I was out to lunch with friends. But that was nowhere near the most embarrassing part of this process. No… that precious moment came when my dentist was fitting me for the permanent crown and he brought out a mirror and an array of  porcelain samples varying in color from pretty damn white to what I can only describe as Mountain Dew. He then proceeded to hold what I thought was a relatively yellow tooth up to my tooth in the mirror and said, “What do you think about this one? I think this is about right.”
Dude, are you serious?
That tooth looks like it’s been out drinking cigarettes and smoking coffee all its life. My teeth are not that color. I told him to go up a couple shades lighter. But he picked the tooth right next to the coffee/cig tooth and said, “Nah, I think this one is way too white.”
“Way too white?” No really, am I being punked?
Because I feel like I should have the option to have a snow white tooth in my mouth if that’s what I want. If I want the whitest tooth on that color palette, I should be able to get it as long as my check clears… Maybe my whole plan was to start with a new white tooth and Crest White Strip it up until they all match… Or maybe I wanted my new crown to inspire my other teeth to be better on some Obama “Yes We Can” ish. But I shouldn’t have been forced to take the tooth Dr. Davis thinks I should have.
Now, I know I’m prone to exaggeration, but I literally (figuratively) feel like I have a gold tooth in my mouth. Seriously… I open my mouth wide enough and I feel compelled to quote Kool G. Rap lyrics and sing Mary J. Blige hooks. Do you understand?
Exhale.
My boy said it’s not that bad, but for the sake of the funny, let’s just say it is ;)
Talk later,
-E
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