On breaking up with chicken: A Collection of Haiku

Beloved chicken
I don’t believe what they say
You wouldn’t hurt me

But I really want
To get better without drugs
No meat for EJ

I bought tofurkey
It will never take your place
A bad impostor

Maybe one day soon
We can be reunited
Arthritis sucks balls

Coogi makes everything better

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Sometimes when I’m feeling’ blah, Jesus sends someone wearing Coogi in the 21st century across my path and everything seems just a little brighter.

Oh Coogi… Thanks Jesus.

Arthritis better be funny

It genuinely pisses me (and every other comedian, for that matter) off when I tell someone about an unfortunate thing that has happened in my life and he/she responds with some variation of “well, at least it’s good material.” It’s unsympathetic and dismissive and I wasn’t running a bit by you; I was just trying to tell you some real shit. Plus, not every painful thing is funny.

That said, I hope Rheumatoid Arthritis turns out to be hilarious. My doctor believes I have it based on blood work, family history (my grandmother had RA and my mom has MS) and the problems I’ve been having with my knees and hands the last couple months. And if he’s right, I know that being able to laugh through it is going to help. I still have some testing left before an official diagnosis, so in the meantime I’ve been going to physical therapy, taking water aerobics classes with senior citizens and trying to find the bright side.

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So far, this is what I’ve come up with in terms of bright side:

  1. Anyone can board a plane when the gate agent calls for passengers who need assistance — that’s even before first class and elite frequent flyers — and they won’t even question you. Zone 3 my ass… do you see this limp?
  2. You can get felt up three times a week by a hot physical therapist and your insurance will cover it (well, 80% of it after you meet your $5,000 deductible #Obamacare). I hope I feel better soon, but also I hope I don’t. I only hope that last part a little bit, though.

I don’t know how accurate the facts cited in this article are, but I choose to take them as gospel. Because if laughter is the key, I’m gonna be straight. I’ll keep you posted on the other positive things I learn about RA (or whatever’s up with me) and if you pray, please say a prayer for me.

Monkey love

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Somebody help me get this monkey off my back.

This picture of me and Mindy the Monkey was taken during a show I had at the US Air Force Academy. Doesn’t she look excited? Don’t I look like I’m stifling a scream? There was… a lot going on at the venue. Comedy, exotic animals, caricatures, laser tag, mechanical bull riding, arts and crafts. I did an hour in the midst of all that… Some nites it actually feels like a job.

Take that, Jack Sparrow!

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On my last nite in LA , I went to the shooting range with a friend. I don’t think I’d ever own a gun — I don’t even like loading them. But shooting (AT PAPER TARGETS) in a controlled environment is fun.

There I said it.

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I’m by no means a good shot, but I surprised myself with this target. My first shot was the one to the skull cap. Even my friend was impressed. But besides the one to the cheek and the hand, I missed the target completely with the rest of the clip, and most of the next. Sidebar: why is Johnny Depp holding people up at gunpoint? He has taken this pirate thing a bit too far. Hashtag: MethodActing.

Heisman

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Yup. This is me attempting to do the Heisman pose (bum knees and all) on set with ex-NFL player and Heisman Trophy-winner, Ricky Williams. Y’all know I’m a huge football fan, but my interest in this man goes far beyond football. He’s one of the most intriguing and frustrating sports figures of my generation. This moment was so surreal.

He was a guest on our show about mental illness and the stigma that surrounds it in the black community. He discussed how he came to seek treatment/medication for social anxiety disorder, the reaction from his teammates and that it is possible to live a happy and fulfilling life after being diagnosed with a mental illness. He was clear and clean, articulate, introspective. For those of you whose last memory of him is from ESPN’s “30 for 30: Run Ricky Run,” I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. You’re going to see a completely different Ricky on this show.

But he’s not the only moving discussion in this episode. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll be inspired. I love what we do on our show. I know you will, too.

The band’s back together

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The band’s back together!

I just got back from Los Angeles after shooting the next cycle of our talk show, “Exhale.” We’ve got a new studio, a new set and tons of amazing guests this coming season. I can’t wait for you all to check out our new digs and see what we’ve been up to! I’ll keep you updated as to the premiere date. I hope you’ll tune in!

Get thee behind me and stayeth there

In a long airport security line and they open up another lane. The lady behind me grabs her son’s hand and runs to get in front of me.

ME: You have to be kidding. You were kidding, right?

LADY: Oh… yeah… you can go ahead of us.

ME: (big eyes)

As I often do when people tick me off, I wrote a collection of haiku about it. Wanna read it, here it go:

Get thee behind me
Jesus said that to Peter
Stay thine ass there too

Took you two minutes
To pull off your cowboy boots
And five dudes passed you

Haha serves you right
Musta thought I was a punk
I’m the opposite

Allergies are expensive and the feeling is mutual

Last nite was the premiere of my episode of “Wanda Sykes Presents Herlarious.” I know there was playoff football happening plus a ton of other stuff so in case you missed it, here’s part of my set — a bit about the allergy attacks I was having all summer. There really has to be a cheaper way to do allergy testing.

Thanks to all of you who had such nice things to say about my set. I was super nervous running the lead-off leg for a Judy Gold/Sheryl Underwood/Wanda Sykes relay, but I’m pretty happy with the end result. AND THEN THIS HAPPENED…

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And it obviously made my day/week/year (I know I skipped month). The feeling is soooo mutual! I’m so grateful Page and Wanda invited me to be part of their show. It was really one of the best times I’ve had doing this job! If you didn’t catch it, I’m sure it’ll be repeated. Or you can just stop by my crib and watch it on the DVR. Either way.

It’s an honor just to be nominated

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As most of you know, I perform a ton of college shows each year. They’re my bread and butter and I hope they don’t find out I’m an old lady. Shhhh… Each year the university student programmers and advisers nominate their favorite performers of the year for awards through the publication of the National Association for Campus Activities (NACA), Campus Activities Magazine. And this year I was nominated “Best Female Entertainer!” Yaaay! Any college student or adviser whose campus I visited or I met at a NACA conference is eligible to vote (you have to have a verifiable .edu e-mail address). I’m up against some stiff competition so I’m getting started early. If I’ve been to your school and you enjoyed it, I hope you’ll vote for me here: http://www.campusactivitiesmagazine.com/awards.php

Thanks a bunch and wish me luck! It IS an honor to be nominated, but winning is cool too.